


seasons

by kynqso



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Baekhyun-centric in a sense, Coming of Age, Light Angst, M/M, Seasons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 20:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10047446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kynqso/pseuds/kynqso
Summary: A new kind of heat rolls in. That summer, some things start and some things end.





	1. summer

**Author's Note:**

> alternatively: that one fic where baekhyun dyes kyungsoo hair.
> 
> yo i am definitely alive and well. this was only supposed to be a oneshot but i ultimately decided i couldn't just leave it like that. i have no idea why i'm dragging this out. this is going to be at least four chapters. bc you know, four seasons.

A new kind of heat rolls in that summer as Baekhyun walks on the steps of the sidewalk. The sun scintillates behind the clouds. A lone, worn-out truck passes by, stuttering, its engine barely revving, on the empty highway between the rough roads on the edge of their small town and the roads to the next city.

Baekhyun is halfway through his thirteen-minute trek (eight minutes and a half if he sprints but the day is too humid and his body is too tired for that) from his house to that gas station convenience store in the middle of the highway Kyungsoo is working at. His bike tires had popped earlier on this week due to the increasingly high temperature and he’s only getting it back tomorrow so he has to resort to walking.

Back at home, there isn’t much for him to do. He had already wrung the wet clothes from the laundry and hung them outside to dry like his mother had asked him to. Baekbeom, who had just come home from the city, is out on a reunion of some sort with his friends. His father is working at the factory. His friends are all occupied for the mean time. Except for Kyungsoo. Working at the convenience store usually equates to having free time.

His first few weeks of summer had been a typical one: beach parties with friends, barbecue at Jongin’s place, late night-outs with Jongdae and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, sleeping in during weekdays. He and his family also went for a quick trip to the beach and they had stayed there even until most of the people had lugged home when night started to fall.

Now, however, the comfortable summer heat has died. Jongdae had left earlier this week to visit some relatives in Jeju and won’t probably be back until two weeks later. Kyungsoo started his summer job at the convenience store he had been working at for the past three summers. The others are busy with college preparations which Baekhyun hasn’t done yet. He still hasn’t picked out a university and he isn’t comfortable with the idea of leaving the sun-kissed beaches of his town. Not yet.

The familiar heat has died down in replacement of a new scorching one that crawls on Baekhyun’s skin and leaves him hot and sweating all over. Like someone has turned up the heater in the middle of summer. It leaves his skin tingling under the sun as he walks the familiar sidewalk, finally turning the curb to Kyungsoo’s workplace.

There aren’t any people, except for the grumpy looking man he bumped into on the way in earlier. The air conditioner feels cool and good on his skin and Baekhyun breathes out an exhale of relief at the sensation. Kyungsoo is there behind the counter, still looking funny and awkward in his uniform, and he is on his phone—Baekhyun guesses—probably playing a game Jongdae had recommended him to try.

His guess is proven true when Kyungsoo thumps his fist on the countertop and he hears the younger curse Jongdae under his breath. Baekhyun smirks. He walks to grab a bottle of mountain dew from one of the fridges and pats both pockets down in search for spare change and bills.

“Aren’t you gonna greet your customer?” Baekhyun quips when he comes upon a crumpled bill deep in his left pocket and he slaps it on the counter, meeting Kyungsoo’s unamused face with a crooked grin.

“Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to mini-stop. Enjoy your thirty-second stay here,” Kyungsoo says sarcastically, reaching to scan Baekhyun’s soda. Baekhyun laughs at that. He gives Baekhyun his change when the receipt prints out and he hands it to him along with the can.

“I wonder how you managed to last here for three years with an attitude like that without your boss firing you.” Baekhyun opens up the can, relishing in the light hiss and the cold feeling of it on his palm. He crumples up the receipt on his hand and buries it in his pocket where it’ll probably stay there forgotten for a month.

“This is a convenience store, not an amusement park, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says, watching Baekhyun jug down the drink. “Besides, the customers and my boss don’t give a fuck. People rarely even look at me in the face anyway. They just give me the items to scan and walk out in mere seconds.”

Baekhyun hums around his soda, gulping in the last drop and grinning at Kyungsoo’s blank look. “It was hot out, okay? Walking for almost fifteen minutes made me thirsty. Especially at a heat like this.” He walks to the trash bin and disposes the can. He walks to the counter again.

“I get why you chose to work here.” Baekhyun licks his lips, still tasting the sweetness of the soda on his tongue. “There’s barely anything for you to do. And there’s air conditioning. And you get paid well.”

“That’s obvious.”

“But doesn’t it get boring, though?”

“It does, sometimes,” Kyungsoo says, and then shrugs, “but I’m used to it. I’ve been working here for three years. It has become kind of like a routine for me. You know I get really bored when I’ve got nothing to do during summer. Best be working instead.”

Outside, a motorcycle drives through to refill his gas tanks. A worker assists. “Have you chosen a university already?” It’s quiet inside the store as Kyungsoo speaks. The motorcycle’s engine is turned on again, loud and reverberating even inside the store, and then it drives out to the empty road, gradually disappearing from their line of sight. Off the road, ahead, there is a vast track of land filled with dry grass and a dipping skyline in the distance. They are in the middle of nowhere.

“I’ve a few that accepted me already. I just need to choose between them,” Kyungsoo continues, looking at his nails. They are clipped and short as always.

“Have you received letters already?” he asks when Baekhyun doesn’t reply.

Baekhyun thinks back to the stack of forms on his desk, universities from Seoul and Suwon and nearby small towns offering him the college course he wants. He already knows what he wants to take up ever since his father took him out to the ocean when he was seven. What he doesn’t know is if he wants to listen to his parents’ advice of studying in Seoul instead of the small scale universities nearby. Seoul where it’s far from the ocean. From his friends. From memories. From home.

 _Everybody leaves this town. You have to, one day, but you can always come back._ His mother had said to him, her fingers combing through his too-long hair when he first received letters from universities in Seoul, all praising his good academic records and telling him he is welcome to apply. He can always come back, but Baekhyun isn’t sure there is much for him to come back to. His friends are leaving soon. All their hangout spots won’t be the same anymore. He won’t see his parents everyday anymore. Jongdae will be far away. Chanyeol will be far away. Kyungsoo will….

Everything will change.

Baekhyun has always been hesitant to change.

“Yeah. Same situation as you,” Baekhyun says. Then he jokes, “Why don’t we just choose a nearby university instead so that we can save money and energy instead of just going to Seoul? I heard the city eats you and your pockets up.”

The atmosphere is still before Kyungsoo speaks.

“I want to leave, Baekhyun.” There is a lilt in Kyungsoo’s voice that tugs in Baekhyun’s stomach. “I want to experience life outside of farms and towns where everybody knows you already. I want to see the bigger picture.”

“Won’t you miss this town, though?” Baekhyun says, and he finds that he is asking himself. “Won’t you want to come back?”

“It happens, Baek.” Kyungsoo gives him a small, melancholic smile. “But you have to know that life doesn’t stop here in this town.”

 

Jongdae comes back two weeks later, bringing the smell of the sea with him. As if their town being in the lee side where the smell of the ocean is ushered in through strong winds isn’t enough already.

He had texted Baekhyun at 10:30 in the evening, asking if Kyungsoo is still working in that tacky store at this time of the night and if Baekhyun is in the mood for ice cream. Baekhyun had texted back with a short ‘ _yes see u.’_ He snuck out of his bedroom window, landed on his feet on their front lawn, and biked to the store. He reached it in five minutes’ time.

Now they’re in front of the store counter, with Jongdae complaining to Kyungsoo about the store’s lack of strawberry-flavored ice creams and the lack of flavor variety for that matter with a very displeased Kyungsoo pursing his lips.

“But strawberry ice creams are like the cream of the crop!” Jongdae complains in a very, very loud voice that echoes throughout the whole store. “How can you not have at least one?”

“I told you,” Kyungsoo sighs, patience thinning, “we haven’t had the new stocks delivered in yet. Besides, there are other flavors there. Like chocolate and vanilla. Quit complaining.”

“But I want strawberry ice cream!” Jongdae whines. “I’ve wanted to eat one ever since I saw them at the airport!”

“Then you should’ve bought one at the airport!” Kyungsoo shouts back. Then, he closes his mouth and massages the bridge of his nose. “I’m too tired for this. A woman complained to me earlier on about the store not having the brand of pads she wanted. Don’t add in to my headache.”

Baekhyun bursts out into a fit of laughter at that. “Must’ve been one hell of a day, huh,” he grins when Kyungsoo glares at him. And Baekhyun thought that nothing ever goes on in this store. “Okay, okay, we’ll take the vanilla ice creams instead. Go get them, Jongdae.”

Jongdae complies with a sad face, trudging to get the packets of vanilla ice creams. “How about Kyungsoo’s?” Baekhyun asks Jongdae when he comes back with only two.

“No, no, I’m fine,” Kyungsoo says.

“Have you even eaten dinner yet, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun asks, raising an eyebrow questioningly at him.

“I’ll eat ramen after my shift. It’s ending in an hour, anyway. Now pay up for those ice creams,” Kyungsoo says, leaving Baekhyun no chance to argue.

Through the sudden quiet, they only hear the dull humming of coursing electricity ringing in their ears. Baekhyun watches as Kyungsoo scans the items with dexterity and practiced movements. Under the store’s white lights, Kyungsoo’s tired face is set aglow. There are unobtrusive lines encasing the pads of his face: under his eyelids, around his mouth. He has a small pimple on his left cheek. His hair is ruffled a bit. He still looks funny in his uniform with the collar popping out a bit and Baekhyun blinks, blinks at it for a few seconds before reaching out to fix it.

Just as Baekhyun reaches out to touch Kyungsoo’s collar, Kyungsoo looks up to hand him their ice creams. Baekhyun jumps as if he has been caught red-handed doing something bad but he relaxes when Kyungsoo just blinks at him. He straightens out the collar and pats it down. Kyungsoo gives him a small smile, like grinning at Baekhyun all the way is too much trouble. But it doesn’t matter. It’s Kyungsoo, anyway, and he has his own way of doing things.

Baekhyun wonders if it’s the same smile he’d given to that girl who confessed to Kyungsoo once during a normal day at the store and told him liked his cute smile and that he looks better when he’s smiling. He had been there, eating his tuna sandwich, as Kyungsoo stood frozen and not knowing what to do. Then, he wonders why he’s suddenly thinking of that. Without Kyungsoo smiling—Baekhyun had thought—he still would’ve looked handsome. He had always looked good with his soft hair and quiet presence anyway.

He must be hungry for the ice creams, Baekhyun thinks again, as his stomach churns weirdly. He hands Jongdae his ice cream and opens up his.

They stand there in front of the counter for minutes, eating their ice creams, talking to Kyungsoo about random things and listening to Jongdae narrate his trip to Jeju. Nobody comes in the next ten minutes and the store’s manager, a middle-aged man with an almost bald head, walks out from the back to tell Kyungsoo that another worker will be coming in for his shift so Kyungsoo can go home.

Jongdae tells them that he’ll be leaving first when Baekhyun says that he’ll wait for Kyungsoo as they sit at a table outside.

“I still have to unpack my things,” Jongdae explains as Kyungsoo pours in hot water in his ramen cup. “I’ll hang out with you guys soon. Tomorrow, probably. Just hit me up.”

“Sure.” Baekhyun bumps his fist with Jongdae. Kyungsoo smiles at Jongdae. “Get home safe.”

“Don’t stay out so late!” Jongdae turns around, shouting as he hops on his bike. He gives them one last wave before biking off, disappearing into the night, the lone lamp post illuminating his figure for a moment, and then gone.

It is past eleven in the evening when Baekhyun checks his watch. Peering inside the store, Baekhyun sees that the other worker is already standing behind the counter, eyes wide and bloodshot. Baekhyun assumes he must’ve drank some coffee before he came here. Kyungsoo starts to eat the ramen, almost too quickly, and Baekhyun opens the bottle cap for him. Kyungsoo smiles at him in thanks.

“Where’s your bike, Soo?” Baekhyun asks as he looks around, noticing that there is only one bike in the lot and it’s his. Kyungsoo swallows a handful of the noodles first before answering.

“Sehun borrowed it earlier this morning. He says he broke his yesterday,” Kyungsoo explains, wiping the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand.

“How do you plan on going home, then?” Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows.

“I’ll walk,” Kyungsoo answers simply.

Baekhyun stares at Kyungsoo incredulously. “At this time of the night?” he says, “Seriously?”

Kyungsoo shrugs.

“Good thing I came here, then.” Baekhyun sighs at Kyungsoo who has continued eating. “Else you’ll be walking in the dark alone. Your mother should thank me.”

Overhead, the store’s sign flickers, the  _T_ almost too dim to see so the sign reads  _‘Mini S op’_ from afar. The paint on the wall is already starting to peel off and Baekhyun remembers Kyungsoo mentioning something about having to repaint the shop upon the manager’s request at the end of summer. Around them, only the sound of the crickets chirping can be heard. The highway is empty. The moon is bright far off as Baekhyun stares into the endless track of land.

“It always feels weird, coming here,” Baekhyun says, looking away from the horizon and staring at Kyungsoo instead and the way the overhead lights flicker on his face. “Don’t you feel sometimes that time is kind of distorted in this workplace of yours? Like the hours run slowly or you forget everything because it is just so quiet and so deserted here?”

“All the time,” Kyungsoo says, finally finishing his food and pushing the cup away. “What makes you suddenly so contemplative, Baekhyun?”

“Nothing, I just—“ Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo, stares a bit too long, looks away, “—started to feel weird. I just feel a bit weird, that’s all.”

“It’s because this place exists outside of context,” Kyungsoo explains, leaning back on his chair, letting his gaze wander. “When you think too long about its existence, it starts to feel weird because it exists only as a bridge between two places. It is the space between the to and from. The road from one destination to the next. It isn’t something people think too much on about. Our town itself is just like that too. It’s a small town between big cities.”                                

Baekhyun thinks back to their small town, the amount of people that had come and go for the past few years, their attachment to the town always, always temporary no matter how much they say that they love its shorelines and dank smell. Baekhyun wonders if he’ll be like one of the elderly people in their town that had never left. He wonders if he’ll always be watching people come and go. He wonders if he should send his application letter already. One click and a promise of a prospective bright future ahead in Seoul. Away from home.

“I finalized my application letter, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says, voice soft but clear into the night. “I’m moving to Seoul in two weeks.”

Baekhyun thinks of Chanyeol saying that he’ll be studying in Seoul too. He thinks of Baekbeom when he had announced that he’ll be leaving home to study in Seoul when Baekhyun was a child. Baekhyun hadn’t cried, it wasn’t something to cry about, but he didn’t sleep well that night.

“Congratulations.” Baekhyun’s voice wavers. He stands up and straightens the hem of his old white shirt, too wrinkly and a size too big for him. It had been Baekbeom’s but he had given it to Baekhyun before he left for Seoul. “We should go now. It’s getting late. I’ll bike you home.”

Kyungsoo stands up reluctantly, throwing the ramen cup in the trash bin first before following Baekhyun to his bike. Baekhyun’s grip on the bike tightens for a bit when Kyungsoo places his hands on his shoulders and keeps it there.

They bike off, slow, into the night. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything more, just keeps his hold on Baekhyun. It has always been like this with them, basked in comfortable silence. But now the quietness eats Baekhyun up and plagues his mind with thoughts. The lamp post they pass through thrums lowly at the electricity and the light flickers on and off for a bit. Baekhyun can feel Kyungsoo’s fingers through the fabric of his shirt. They bike the whole way home as the summer wind guides them all the way.

 

“You should dye your hair, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says absentmindedly, languidly threading his fingers on Kyungsoo’s hair as they sit on the sand and face the fire crackling in front of them. Jongdae had invited him, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo out for a drink or two at the beach. Chanyeol had said he’ll bring the snacks. Now, the bag of chips and the bottles have been emptied out and discarded somewhere nearby. They’ll pick it up tomorrow.

Jongdae is sleeping beside Chanyeol, lying on a makeshift bed that consists of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s jacket. He’s not quite drunk yet but Jongdae had said that he was really sleepy because he hadn’t gotten the chance to sleep last night. Jongdeok had thrown up all over the living room and Jongdae had to clean everything up for him.

“First time in weeks that we’re doing this,” Chanyeol says, voice loud and boisterous, “and he sleeps on us. He’s the one who invited us out.” He looks at Jongdae with a sigh. Then, he sits up in attention, face smiling deviously like he’s just conjured up a great plan.

Baekhyun watches Chanyeol walk up from his spot on the sand to the stack of beer cans not too far off. When Chanyeol comes back, he starts stacking the cans on Jongdae’s forehead, freezing for a bit when the boy murmurs something in his sleep, but continuing when Jongdae doesn’t say anything more or move anymore.

“That bored, Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo speaks up from beside Baekhyun. Baekhyun realizes his hands are still absentmindedly carding on Kyungsoo’s hair and he stops, stills, and drops his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulder instead before keeping his hands to himself. Kyungsoo casts him a furtive glance for a second before turning back to Chanyeol.

“He’s supposed to be entertaining me because he dragged me out,” Chanyeol says, still stacking the beer cans. He loses his balance at the sixth one and he growls because he has to start over again. “I was in the middle of folding clothes when he came to my house and dragged me out, you know. My mom is  _so_  gonna kill me when she sees that I left without finishing my chores yet.”

“Let Jongdae buy you ice cream, then,” Baekhyun says. “You always feel better when somebody buys you ice cream. Reminds me of that one time you forgave me for throwing away your Math notes right before exams because Taeyeon-noona talked to you instead of me. You gave me the cold shoulder for three days straight but allowed me to buy you ice cream as an apology.”

“That was before, Baek.” Chanyeol is still stacking the beer cans, now at the fifth one. “Material things aren’t always the answer to everything. But hey, I can never say no to free ice cream. Or free anything for that matter.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

“That being said, has the store stocked in strawberry-flavored ones already, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun asks, turning to Kyungsoo who is solely focused on the stacked beer cans.

“Hm?” Kyungsoo tears his gaze away from Jongdae. “Oh, they’ll be delivering in the stocks in four days. But I won’t be around anymore when that happens.”

Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows. “Why?”

“I’m going to quit, Baek. I already told the manager that I’m only going back to help them paint the walls,” Kyungsoo says, looking at Baekhyun. “I have to focus on packing up and buying things I need and making sure everything is alright. I’m moving next week.”

“To Seoul?” Chanyeol quips, not looking away from the beer cans. “I’m moving in two weeks. See you there, Kyungsoo.”

Baekhyun stays quiet, unmoving. He has already sent his forms in last week, one to the lone university on the city, one to a university in Suwon offering him the degree he wants, and one to a research university in Seoul. His mother had patted his head and told him that they would support his decision, whatever it may be, and Baekbeom had pestered him nonstop about studying in Seoul instead.

He still hasn’t made a decision. School is starting in barely a month. His mother has already prepared luggage for him.

Baekhyun doesn’t want to pack.

“What about Jongdae?” Baekhyun asks. “Where is he studying?”

“Somewhere in Gyeonggi, I think,” Chanyeol says. “He’s got some relatives there. They’ll help him out.”

He looks at Jongdae. Jongdae’s toe twitch and he ruffles for a bit. Then, he moves his head. In a second, all the cans come tumbling down. Chanyeol lets out an exhale of exasperation in response. Jongdae doesn’t move an inch or wake up. Chanyeol throws all the cans away and lies down on the sand next to Jongdae. “You know what, I’m sleeping too. Wake me up when something eventful happens.” He throws an arm over his eyes.

The sea waves lap the sand on the beach and they let all noise and their thoughts drown for a while, listening to the sound of water crashing on the shore. No matter what his decision may be, they will still leave this town. There will no more be frequent hangouts like this. No more high school parties with Chanyeol and Jongdae and Kyungsoo. They will all be too busy.

Baekhyun will miss this.

Now, the silence is eating him, the reality of the situation sinking in. He wants this to last. He wants to bottle up the ephemerality of the moment and keep it in his mind forever. It’s unfair that they are forced to grow up, unfair that these will all just be memories one day, and Baekhyun will be forced to fend off alone in a strange city.

‘ _Life doesn’t stop here in this town.’_

Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo, who is sitting beside him, blankly staring at the sand below them, the wind running through his hair. “You should dye your hair, really,” Baekhyun says offhandedly, staring at Kyungsoo, and trying to fill the silence with small talk. “I bet you’d look good in red.”

Kyungsoo looks up from his fringes, smiling at Baekhyun at the slightest. “Yeah? You think?”

Baekhyun tries, he really does, but he can’t stop the way his fingers come up to pet Kyungsoo’s hair again. He nods absentmindedly, hands dropping but not all the way. His fingers linger on the sharp curve of Kyungsoo’s jaw and soft pads of skin of his face. Kyungsoo doesn’t stop staring back, doesn’t slap Baekhyun’s hand away. Baekhyun’s hands are shaking when he finally retracts it and keeps it fisted on his sides, trying to will away other emotions. Is it the alcohol? The last and remaining few weeks? The way the ocean breeze ruffles through Kyungsoo’s hair? The heavy feeling in his chest?

Why does Baekhyun suddenly feel so strange around Kyungsoo?

 “I’ll miss this,” Kyungsoo says softly, and Baekhyun doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He looks at Jongdae and Chanyeol sleeping on the sand and assumes he is pertaining to them. Not the small space between them and the lingering touches earlier on.

“Yeah, me too,” Baekhyun says back, and he can only hope Kyungsoo doesn’t hear the shakiness of his voice against the loud waves and the dead silence of the night.

 

They are standing in Baekhyun’s back porch, facing the sinking sun and the old tree in the backyard. There are old newspapers on the floor around them, lest they get hair dye on the floor and Baekhyun’s mother will put Baekhyun to hell for ruining the new wooden flooring.

Kyungsoo had shown up in his porch without as much as a warning two days after their drinking-turned-slumber party at the beach with an owlish look on his face and a plastic of red dye in his hand. Baekhyun had been in his pajamas, sleeping in even though it’s the afternoon, and he had left Kyungsoo to prepare for a bit on the back porch while he changed his clothes.

“I didn’t know you were actually going to take my suggestions seriously,” Baekhyun says now as they stand in the porch, Baekhyun combing Kyungsoo’s hair. “You should have at least told me first.”

“You’re like that, anyway,” Kyungsoo replies. “Spontaneous as you go. You’re used to it.”

Baekhyun mutters a few things under his breath. He wears the plastic gloves on both his hands and starts mixing the dye. Baekhyun already had tried several hair colors in the past, ranging from mint blue to pastel pink. His mother had always chastised him about it but she had always left Baekhyun to do what he wanted to do. Now, however, he chose to keep his hair brown for the mean time. For a change.

They bask in silence for a while, Baekhyun threading his fingers on Kyungsoo’s hair, brushing his locks with the deep color of red. Around them, the grass sways at the summer wind. He hears his mother humming a tune under her breath as she gets their dinner ready. He hears their front door open and hears Baekbeom’s loud voice announcing that he’s home. Familiar noise that Baekhyun has gotten used to. A routine. A buzz of comfort.

“Chanyeol says he’ll flirt with girls the minute he moves to Seoul,” Kyungsoo speaks up. “I told him he’ll scare them all away with his loud voice and huge grin.”

Baekhyun laughs. “And you’ll steal all the girls away from him? That’s why you asked me to dye your hair red?” The words taste so strange around his mouth. It’s not like they haven’t talked about girls before.

Kyungsoo hums. “Hm, not quite,” he says. “I don’t only look at girls, you know.”

Baekhyun’s hand stills on Kyungsoo’s hair, wanting to speak but not quite finding the words to say. Kyungsoo looks up at Baekhyun questioningly. His hair is so, so soft under Baekhyun’s fingers. Suddenly, there are vines crawling on Baekhyun’s chest, constricting, stuttering his breath.

The soft afternoon light and sunset sky butters the rest of Kyungsoo’s hair a soft black as Baekhyun’s fingers continue to pad on his locks, turning his once dark hair into a lighter one. Baekhyun is reminded of one of the oil pastels his mother had bought and plastered on the wall when he was a kid—a boy with dark hair under the afternoon sky. Baekhyun had always found him to be beautiful. He wanted the boy to come to life.

Baekhyun thinks the boy just did.

Kyungsoo’s hair ruffles at the wind. It’s a shame that Baekhyun will be the one to dye Kyungsoo’s hair yet not have bragging rights. A shame that he’ll be the one to see this transition first but won’t see it much frequently in the upcoming few months. A shame that they will all be growing up: no more hangouts with Chanyeol and Jongdae, no more doting from Sehun, no more ice creams at the convenience store.

A shame that only now has Baekhyun looked at Kyungsoo in a new light as Baekhyun stands there, under the orange sky in his mother’s backyard, holding Kyungsoo’s hair with his hand. An ache of realization settles in Baekhyun’s chest.

Why only now?

They feel a cool, gentle breeze sweep in then. Remnants of summer skies and afternoon rendezvous remain in Kyungsoo’s eyes. Baekhyun never wants summer to end.

But around them, the cool wind picks up and ruffles the lone newspaper under Kyungsoo’s stool chair, the leaves around them joining the dance. A flock of larks swoop by, the very last of them migrating to the west. In a week, they’ll be leaving too. Come seven days and they won’t be seeing each other every day. Out here, the insects buzz. The cold air sashays in, causing goose bumps on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

A telltale reminder: summer has ended.


	2. autumn/fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was long overdue im so sorry!! ; u ; i changed and added a paragraph or two in the first chapter (& removed that irrelevant last sentence) so i highly recommend rereading it all over again before finally reading this chapter.

Outside, the streets are already brimming with leaves and trees barren with them.                             

Baekhyun looks out of the window as students file in the classroom slowly, each of their bodies still thrumming in what Minseok called ‘typical excited freshman manner’. Baekhyun had met him when Minseok served him coffee in one of the many the university cafés.

“Look at these freshmen all excited,” he’d said as Baekhyun watched the way the foam on the cup swirled like Cumulus clouds on a clear sky; he’d been talking about a group of freshmen chattering excitedly at the next table. “By third year, they’d all be sporting eye bags and tired faces. What year are you in, by the way? Haven’t seen you around.”

“Huh?” he’d looked up to a pair of brown eyes. Contrary to what the guy said, his eyes were still a radiant pair gazing upon Baekhyun, no obvious traces of stress on his face except for the reedy set of lines bordering the corners of his mouth. “Oh. I’m, uh, a freshman like them.”

“Oh.” Minseok had blinked. “I thought you were a second year or something.” He stared at Baekhyun for a moment, then, “Well then, welcome to college, kiddo.”

Baekhyun stares at the vast green field outside, the window offering a view of the busyness of their campus. On the west side of the campus lies his dormitory, where he’s sharing a room with a second year Chinese guy named Zhang Yixing who always seems to be out.

He’s a pretty nice fellow though and he’s fairly neat with his belongings so Baekhyun isn’t complaining despite the occasional weird music Yixing turns up and belts along to whenever Baekhyun catches him in the room. Besides his name, age, major, and unique taste in music, Baekhyun has yet to know him.

As Baekhyun continues staring out the window, his phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out to see a message from Jongdae, asking if his classes have started already. Baekhyun sends a short reply, taps his fingers on the table.

These past few weeks, Baekhyun has been keeping in contact with Jongdae and Chanyeol, telling them about his roommate’s weird music taste and the city’s lack of the brand of the fabric softener he wanted. He’d told them he moved to Suwon his first night here and Chanyeol had sent a bunch of shocked emoticons until Baekhyun threatened to block his number. 

When he scrolls down through his inbox, he sees his last message to Kyungsoo two weeks ago, the night when Kyungsoo said he just met his roommate and told Baekhyun that he should visit Seoul some time and he should call when he finally picks a university. 

But Baekhyun knows that he knows already.

Kyungsoo’s text seem to stare right back at him, drill itself into Baekhyun’s head, like Kyungsoo’s unblinking gaze and small smile when he’d boarded the bus with his luggage. It challenged him as Baekhyun typed in replies he never sent. Baekhyun can’t seem to bring himself to.

Besides, Chanyeol probably told Kyungsoo already. And he knows Kyungsoo is just waiting for Baekhyun to tell him himself.

During his first week, he busied himself with preparations and exploring the colourful city of Suwon with Baekbeom, anything that kept him off his thoughts. The second week, Baekbeom had returned to Seoul. Baekhyun found himself alone at small parks and various food shops near his university.

There are times when he just sat at the nearby park at night, watching the city unfold and unfurl its renewed energy it has always saved for night time, feeling lonely at not alone at the same time as he watched people walk to different places.

During the night, more people come out and buzz around, adding in to the routine night time music Baekhyun has yet to get used to. In here, everyone is busier. Everything is brighter and more colorful. Suwon is a mixture of the old and the new—buildings and historical houses, shopping places and rugged streets, modern and traditional. From Chanyeol’s stories, Suwon’s nighttime energy is nothing compared to Seoul’s vigorous one but Baekhyun came from a small town so it’s vigorous enough. Much more than Baekhyun’s small town.

Baekhyun thinks of Seoul, then thinks of Kyungsoo and Chanyeol in that city. He thinks of texting Kyungsoo but never allowing himself to because he knows, he _knows_ that if he tells him that he finally heeded his parents’ word and finally moved to the city, Kyungsoo would call the next minute.

“ _Why Suwon?_ ” Kyungsoo would ask, then keep quiet after, words unsaid lingering between them—between the miles separating them.

Then, Baekhyun would choke out a lame reply and try to change the topic, try to stop his thoughts and swallow up the bile rising up in his throat because he isn’t really sure why too, either.

Suwon is only an hour away from Seoul but it’s not _Seoul_. Seoul is… different. A whole different world altogether with an immenseness and a magnetic pull Baekhyun can’t seem to stomach and can’t seem to pinpoint how and why it is taking everything he loved.

Baekhyun misses his small town. Suwon is nice but it really wasn’t his first choice. If it hadn’t been for Baekbeom’s constant pestering, Kyonggi University’s email sitting in his inbox, and his parents’ quiet urging, Baekhyun wouldn’t be here.

“ _It doesn’t have to be Seoul, but it doesn’t have to be here either. You don’t have to give up opportunities for the sake of comfort,”_ Baekhyun’s mother had said, giving Baekhyun an understanding smile, choking him up. The morning after that, Chanyeol had left for Seoul too, kept Baekhyun in a chokehold and threatened to break his bones if Baekhyun ever stopped keeping in contact with him. Baekhyun had laughed and pushed Chanyeol away, a lump forming in his throat as Chanyeol’s family car drove away with Chanyeol waving until the car disappeared down the road.

And Baekhyun had sat alone at the beach— _their_ beach—because Jongdae had been too busy to go with him. He sat on the sand, eating strawberry ice cream he’d bought from the convenience store, staring up and counting the airplanes that flew overhead, wondering and wondering all over again why people have to leave and why he has to someday.

Now, he thinks of texting Kyungsoo. Something simple, something short. Something that will remind Baekhyun that he isn’t a coward for not having the guts to call his best friend because of his stupidity and irrational aversion to the idea of his friends being far away and to the idea of talking about his choices. He thinks of typing in a message. 

But now, now isn’t the time. Now, his professor enters the room with a lazy gait. He is alone in his desk chair at the back of the room, staring at the last message from his best friend whom he hasn’t talked to and seen in weeks. 

Baekhyun stops looking at his phone and stops spacing out. Classes are starting. Now isn’t the time. He looks at Kyungsoo’s name in his inbox one last time as he turns his phone off and flicks it inside his bag, keeping it banished deep inside as introductions start off.

 

“So, how are you finding college, freshman?”

Baekhyun puts down his cup after taking a sip, looking at Minseok gazing at him with a raised eyebrow and wiping his hands on his apron.

“It’s only been two days, Minseok hyung,” Baekhyun says. “I can’t really tell. But it’s going well so far.”

Minseok hums. “Tell me when you start hating it, okay?” he says. “You’re going to, at some point.” Outside, students are walking—sprinting—to their next classes. Baekhyun doesn’t have them in another hour so he decides to hang around the café for the mean time, where he can talk to Minseok or Lu Han.

“I will,” Baekhyun replies. “But I don’t think you’ll still be here anymore when that time comes, hyung. You’re graduating.”

 “Who says I can’t hang around?” Minseok says. “Like Lu Han says, he and I practically run this café. We’re the manager’s favorites, you see.” He glances outside when a student stops in front of the cafe, then rolls his eyes when the boy only walks away. “We have to make sure that it still operates well even without us, don’t we?”

Baekhyun laughs. “When do you even have classes, hyung? How do you have all the time for work?”

A costumer walks in and Minseok disappears for a couple minutes to make the order and hand the coffee to the customer. So far, there are only four people in the café. There aren’t that much customers that flock in here unlike the morning crowd the main café gets but it still runs, anyway. In this café, they live off customers looking for actual peace and quiet _and_ coffee. The main university café offers only one of the two. 

“We don’t, by the way. We don’t have all the time,” Minseok says when he comes back to clean the table next to Baekhyun’s. “My shift’s M-W-F during the mornings. I got afternoon classes and it sucks half of the time. I run on coffee from this café to live during the night as I do school work.”

“I guess that goes the same for Lu Han-hyung, then?” 

“Yeah,” Minseok says. “We suffer together.”

Baekhyun hums around his drink as he takes a sip again. He thinks, a bit somberly, it would be nice to have someone be with him and go through college together. It would be nice to have a really close friend with him, at least one, to suffer through the semesters together. Maybe Chanyeol or Jongdae. Maybe Sunyoung from BIO 1. Maybe Daehyun, his dorm room neighbour.

Or maybe Kyungsoo.

But anyone is fine, really.

Minseok gets back to work again, brewing coffees and waiting tables. Baekhyun hangs around the café for a while, fiddling with his phone, staring at his inbox, tapping his fingers, until it’s five minutes before his first class. He waves to Lu Han and Minseok when he walks up to the door and jogs to the next building. His phone is a heavy load in his jeans pocket like it has been the past two weeks.

  

The fabric of Baekhyun’s comforter is soft under his fingers. As he towel-dries his wet hair with one hand after having just taken a bath, he thinks of going out to buy some food, maybe some sandwiches and boxed strawberry milk, for dinner. 

He and Jongdae used to buy strawberry milk after school when they were still in middle school. Jongdae had already stopped drinking it, leaned more on strawberry ice creams instead and cola ciders with its strong taste, while Baekhyun still continued to buy them every once in a while. It’s more of a routine, really, rather than to appease his taste buds.

The room is empty. Yixing still hasn’t arrived yet, and Baekhyun thinks he’d seen him walking out of the campus this afternoon. He isn’t really sure though. There are a lot of people in this campus that he could have mistaken for Yixing. He’s new here, after all.

Baekhyun drops the towel on the bed and finger-combs his hair, the strands untangling under his fingers. He stands up and grabs a jacket from his drawer. It has been getting cold recently.

After much decision, he has decided to go to the nearby store to grab some dinner, choosing it over the boring food from the cafeteria. He thinks this is going to be a routine and remembers his mother’s words of ‘ _stop making processed food for meals a habit’_ as he imagines the stacks of unhealthy chips and too-sweetened drinks in the store. He shrugs on the jacket, a huge grey one with words he can barely understand embossed in front, and walks to the door.

“Just this one time, Eomma,” he whispers to the empty room, then closes the door.

The air when he steps outside the dorm building is cold. Grass bows under his sneakers as he walks, off to the gate of the campus. The breeze kisses his face as he whistles out a tune, a song that was playing on the café radio this morning while he was chatting with Minseok. Plenty of students still walk around the campus, 8:00PM still too early for them, and he passes by chatty Sunyoung from BIO 1 on the way and they exchange smiles.

The nearby store is a good five-minute walk from his dorm. Everything is much warmer when he walks in, the heater and the stacks of ramen and coffee stations promising warmth against the cold and the season picking up.

Baekhyun walks up to the aisles and takes his time picking between a chicken and a ham and cheese sandwich until he decides on the former. He grabs two boxes of strawberry milk from the fridge and stares at the big, obnoxious bag of chips on one of the aisles. He blinks, stops staring, and walks to the counter.

The cashier is a boy with a fringe that looks the same age as him or a year older and he purses his lips as he remembers something. 

He remembers this part. Back in the convenience store Kyungsoo used to work at, Baekhyun would hand over things, usually food, for Kyungsoo to swipe and he’d eat it in front of him, not bothering to grab a table because he prefers talking to Kyungsoo. He came for him after all. He remembers this part: Kyungsoo would stare at him with a blank face as Baekhyun scarfs down the food. And Baekhyun would stare back and grin, trying to challenge Kyungsoo and see if he could crack a small smile from that mouth.

He remembers this: the corner Kyungsoo’s lips quirking upward at the slightest and Baekhyun feeling accomplished. Then, they’d talk about Baekhyun’s boring day. He remembers it.

Baekhyun receives the items with a distracted blink and looks around and remembers that he isn’t supposed to be here, in front of this counter. He isn’t the only costumer in this store. He walks around and tries to see if there are vacant seats, holding two juice boxes and a sandwich on both hands. He ends up with a small table outside when he sees there are no more and he adjusts his jacket, warm and cozy all around him, as he removes the sandwich from the pretty plastic container.

Baekhyun sips on the strawberry milk and bites down on the sandwich, distractedly looking out at the street littered with a few leaves.

Several structures stand erect, side by side, with people walking in and out of them every three minutes. There are blinking signs on flashing, neon and bright and screaming ‘ _LIVE BAND!! !’_ with changing green and yellow lights. There is laughter and the smell of street food in the air. People are out and about.

He stares at a lone tree in the sidewalk, standing tall amongst the edifices surrounding it. Red and yellow and orange leaves dot around its branches, quivering in the wind, in the brink of falling but not quite yet, holding on until it can’t anymore, until it swishes to the ground in a familiar dance and flutters against the Autumn wind housing in.

Baekhyun stares until he finishes his sandwich and hears the telltale sound of his straw scraping against the bottom of the juice box. He vaguely registers his phone vibrating against his skin as he stares at the other juice box. He spaces out for a few minutes before digging inside his pocket to check out the new message from Chanyeol.

‘ _so.. Kyungsoo asked me when your classes will start’_

‘ _i’m guessing you haven’t kept in contact with him?’_

Baekhyun looks at the message, fingers lurking above the keyboard, suddenly feeling squirmy and nervous. ‘ _what did you say’_ is what he comes up with and sends after a minute of inner debate.

‘ _i told him he should ask u himself_ ’

‘ _now he isn’t answering any of my questions at all n ignoring me’_

Baekhyun taps his fingers on the table in a comforting beat, trying to calm the turmoil starting to boil inside his mind. He continues staring at the incoming messages, not knowing what to say at all.

‘ _listen, i don’t know what both of ur problem is but u should call him. u’re both torturing yourselves’_

_‘Baekhyun. Call him.’_

Baekhyun grabs the juice box and grips it tight. He texts back, ‘ _Later’_ and turns off his phone. The wind is picking up and he has to go back to the dorms. He stands up from his chair clumsily and when his hands go to comb through his hair, it’s already dry and cool from the night breeze. He walks away from the store and kicks a pebble as he trudges homeward, trying to ignore his palpitating heart and shaking fingers.

  

Baekhyun calls Kyungsoo late at night, when he has finally gathered enough courage and finally got sick of staring at the ceiling whenever his eyes fluttered open every five minutes. He isn’t sure if Kyungsoo would even pick up but he listens to the sound of ringing on the other line anyway until it rings in his head.

Kyungsoo picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” his voice is scratchy, sandpapery, laced with sleep. Baekhyun bites his lip and stares at nothing against the darkness of the room. He is half-aware of his grip on the bed sheet tightening a bit.

From his sitting position, if he squints hard enough, he can make up the sleeping figure of Yixing on the bed on the right side of the room. When he’d come home, Yixing had already been sleeping, comforter tucked around him like a fort, and Baekhyun had made sure not to wake him up as he fixed some of his stuff and did some reading before finally retreating to bed.

“Hello? Baekhyun?” he hears Kyungsoo’s voice again. This time, he sounds more awake and Baekhyun breathes out an exhale, closes his eyes.

“Kyungsoo, hi,” Baekhyun says, and he sounds sheepish, nervous, sleepy. Tired. Too tired.

“Hi.” Kyungsoo’s voice is soft, all the way here. “I didn’t think you’d call at… at this time of the night _._ ”

Baekhyun squints at the clock on the wall, trying to make sense of the vague set of numbers and lines and dots floating around his vision. He can’t see anything properly through the dimness of the night but it doesn’t matter. It may be 11 in the evening or 2 in the morning for all he cares. It doesn’t matter. Kyungsoo picked up his call, even when he should be sleeping.

“I didn’t think you’d pick up either.”

Everything is quiet for a while. Baekhyun can hear Kyungsoo’s soft breathing on the other line, can hear the clock on the wall ticking, mocking Baekhyun, telling him that they don’t have all the time in the world for this. His eyes are fighting against sleep as the clock ticks, counting time.

But Baekhyun doesn’t want to sleep, doesn’t want to see this slip from his fingers in the morning when they finally go on with their individual lives. He doesn’t want to run out of time. He wants to stay like this for a while, his heart hammering in a comforting manner and his mind thrumming with all the things he wants to say and doesn’t want to. With all the things he wants to hear and doesn’t want to.

“How’s… how’s Suwon?” 

Baekhyun exhales out a breath, soft. “Good, I guess,” he mumbles. “Nothing and everything I’ve ever imagined. They don’t have the brand of fabric softener I want in here so it kind of sucks.”

Kyungsoo laughs, a light sound that cascades through the static and feathers through Baekhyun’s chest. “I’m sure they do have that, Baekhyun. You just have to look.”

“Yeah, no. I don’t want to comb through this town all on my own just to look for fabric softener.”

Kyungsoo laughs again and Baekhyun’s chest clenches at the slightest. He missed this.

“How’s Seoul?” Baekhyun quips quietly, making sure to speak in a low voice so as not to wake Yixing up.

There is a ruffle on the other line. “Seoul is great,” Kyungsoo says. “It’s really beautiful. The noise even at night needs… a bit more getting used to and the general busyness of the city is overwhelming but that’s what makes it exhilarating and exciting. It’s…” he exhales, “It’s really a different kind of pretty, Baekhyun.”

“I bet,” Baekhyun says, almost a whisper, disappearing through the dark.

“What pushed you?” Kyungsoo suddenly asks, and Baekhyun’s thoughts skid to a stop because _there it is_ , there’s the question. “Why’d you suddenly choose Suwon without ever mentioning it to us?”

It must be all in Baekhyun’s mind but he thinks he hears it in his voice, hears the tinge of upset in it, and it makes Baekhyun feel really bad.

“I don’t know, really,” Baekhyun mumbles. “The university offered a really good program on my chosen degree and my brother, grudgingly, promised to help with the preparations. Plus, it looked good in pictures.” He tries laughing it off.

“You…” Kyungsoo flounders, hesitating. Then, he seems to change his mind. “Nevermind. Do you.. do you like it there?”

“I’m learning to,” Baekhyun says. “I’ll be living here for the next few years, aren’t I? I need to love this city.”

“You will,” Kyungsoo says back. “And when you do, don’t forget to show us around.” Baekhyun can imagine the indiscernible quirk of Kyungsoo’s lips.

“That’s still a long time to go, Kyungsoo.” A long, long time before Baekhyun starts calling it his new home.

“Can’t wait that long to see us?” Kyungsoo says in a soft voice that Baekhyun knows he is teasing lightly. The inside of Baekhyun’s stomach spins. _No, not really_ , he wants to say. _Not with you._

But instead, he snorts, says, “It’s not like we won’t see each other on Winter break.”

A hush of silence blankets over them, and Baekhyun closes his eyes to listen to the sound of the static between them buzzing lowly, ringing through the phone pressed in Baekhyun’s ear. With the hundred miles between them, Baekhyun can only wonder what Kyungsoo is feeling and what his expression might be right now, maybe one of those poker faces Baekhyun can’t seem to decipher even after all these years.

There’s so much Baekhyun wants to ask and say. So much for Baekhyun to apologize for. _Sorry for ghosting on you. Sorry for not supporting you. Sorry for being scared and petty._ But he can’t really bring himself to.

“Aren’t you sleepy?” Kyungsoo asks. “Did you sleep in the afternoon again, Baekhyun?”

“I didn’t,” Baekhyun says. “I read for Biology, then cleaned my drawer. I also went out to buy some food.”

“What food _?_ ”

“Just some sandwich. I stopped myself from buying chips. I’m a changed man, now." 

Kyungsoo chuckles. “I’m sure you are.” He pauses. "You haven’t gotten a blink of sleep yet, have you? You should go to sleep, Baekhyun. It’s already 12:30AM.” 

Baekhyun blinks, staring at the wall clock through the dark. He didn’t notice that he’d stayed up so late. “Alright,” he says. “You should get some sleep, too. I’m sorry I woke you up and probably your roommate too.”

“Nah, it’s alright, you didn’t wake him up. Not really, anyway,” Kyungsoo says. “Zitao just blinked and then decided sleep was much more interesting than my ringing phone.” 

Baekhyun laughs. “Alright, then. Good night, Kyungsoo. I’ll… talk to you tomorrow.”

Silence. “Tomorrow. Okay.” Baekhyun hears him yawn through his words, a soft purr that has his insides jumping for some reason, “Good night, Baekhyun."

“Sleep well, Kyungsoo.”

Then, the call drops and Baekhyun is left with silence once again. He hears the ticking of the clock now. This time, much louder. _Tomorrow,_ he thinks, _We’ll talk tomorrow_. He places his phone on the bedside table and sinks into the mattress, allowing his eyes to flutter close. If he stays quiet long enough, he can still hear Kyungsoo’s voice echoing in his head.

 

The classroom is still half-empty.

Baekhyun keeps his eyes trained on his phone as he sits near the back of the class, 8 minutes too early, as the other two early birds in the classroom fiddle with their phone too or rest their heads on the table.

When he’d come to the café, Minseok and Lu Han had not been around and he’d remembered belatedly that it was Thursday and they weren’t on shift. He lounged around in the cafe for 15 minutes nonetheless before deciding to come to the classroom early.

This morning, he’d woken up to the sound of Yixing humming some song Baekhyun is sure he hasn’t heard of yet, but for once he isn’t weirded out. While he and Yixing hung around, preparing for their first class, munching on their breakfasts, he turned to take a good look at Yixing.

He was a kind guy, really, and not a shit roommate. He kept his things quite clean and never really meddled with Baekhyun’s business. Sometimes, too, during the moments when Baekhyun is too lazy to clean, he finds the room cleaned up when he comes home in the afternoon with Yixing clicking away on his laptop peacefully. So, really, it’s not right for Baekhyun to judge the guy for his personal tastes.

So, that morning, when Yixing had been fixing his things, Baekhyun turned to look at him and asked him what song he was singing earlier. He smiled for good measure.

Yixing had blinked at him before grinning and telling him the title of the song and if Baekhyun wanted to listen to more of the band’s (which Baekhyun _really_ hadn’t heard of before) songs, he could borrow Yixing’s iPod. 

Baekhyun thinks he will, one of these days, but for now he’ll stick to listening girl group songs. As he scrolls down now through his playlist, he receives a message from Jongdae and he doesn’t hesitate to click it.

‘ _finally talked to kyungsoo?’_ it says.

Baekhyun frowns at it for a few seconds, half regretting now that he clicked the message. ‘ _who told u?’_

‘ _im glad u guys are finally talking. dragging it out for two weeks was too long imo’_

_‘why are u on to this’_

_‘idk, maybe bc u’re both my best friends?? & I had to suffer watching u 2 being stupid?? I literally stayed up late one night wondering why u guys aren’t talking bc I knw neither of u would answer’ _Not another minute passes before he receives another one. ‘ _Now that this is over why’d u stop talking to him anyway lol’_

Baekhyun stares at the message and stops typing in the snarky reply he was supposed to send for the first one. Why _had_ Baekhyun stopped talking to Kyungsoo for a few weeks?

Now that he thinks about it, he thought he had good enough reason but it really isn’t. He had been too nervous to text Kyungsoo and tell him he finally chose Suwon, and he had been too scared to find out what Kyungsoo’s reaction might be. He was too caught up in his thoughts, his fears, everything he thought up that Kyungsoo might say or do, because most of them too negative for Baekhyun to stomach.

He’d thought Kyungsoo would frown at Baekhyun for being too scared or insult him, knowing that if it hadn’t been for several external factors, Baekhyun _would_ choose his small town over all the sky-rise cities of Korea. (And Baekhyun doesn’t even know why he would do that. Nostalgia, probably. Fixation. The idea of being away from everything he ever loved.)

Baekhyun thought Kyungsoo would be disappointed in him but not once did he express disagreement on Baekhyun’s choice. He’d told Baekhyun to love the city, he laughed about things with him, and talked to him at midnight when they should be sleeping. They didn’t really talk about the matters at hand—Baekhyun not choosing Seoul despite it only being an hour away, Baekhyun not talking to Kyungsoo for two weeks, them being far away—and he doesn’t know whether he should bring it up or sweep it under the rug. He might, someday, but…

But it doesn’t matter now. There’s still an unspoken apology and explanation sitting on Baekhyun’s tongue, which he’ll have to spit out someday, but what’s important now is that they are talking again. They’re back to being Baekhyun and Kyungsoo again.

When he looks up, there are already plenty of people in the classroom. Daehyun, two chairs away, gives him a smile and an acknowledging nod.

‘ _wouldn’t u like to know_ ’ is Baekhyun’s reply to Jongdae. ‘ _gtg loser classes are starting i’ll talk to u later’_

 

There is a crowd flocking in the new _ramyeon_ place Baekhyun and Yixing went to.

That afternoon, when Baekhyun had returned to the dorms, Yixing had been frowning at his phone. When Baekhyun had asked why, Yixing told him that his friend just cancelled on their plan of going to the new ramyeon place a few-minute walk away from the campus. 

Yixing talked about the ramyeon place for a few minutes before Baekhyun told him that he could go with him instead because he needed to know good food places in this city. Yixing had laughed and enumerated some good places as he and Baekhyun walked to the place, the air a chilly blanket around them.

They’d ordered two bowls of _tteok ramyeon_ and _kimbap_ and sat at a table near the counter and Baekhyun stared at the orange lights reflecting on the table’s surface as they waited for their order.

“Are you new here, Baekhyun?” Yixing asks now as Baekhyun taps his fingers on the table restlessly.

“Hm?” Baekhyun hums, looking up at Yixing’s face, “Yes? I told you once I’m a freshman, didn’t I?”

Yixing chuckles. “No, I mean, new to this city? Is this your first time here?”

“Oh,” Baekhyun says, then he nods, “yeah, I’m originally from a town near Seosan-si. I lived there all my life." 

“Oh, I see,” Yixing hums. “How are you liking Suwon?”

Baekhyun shrugs. “Alright, I guess,” he says. “Adjusting… might take some time but overall, it’s a nice city.”

Yixing nods. “I feel you,” he says. “When I first moved here from China, I got homesick a lot and it took me quite some time to adjust, too. But after months, I finally learned to love this city. I gave myself some time to appreciate it.” He looks at Baekhyun. “You’ll get used to it soon. Don’t worry.”

“What do you do when you get homesick, hyung?” 

“Oh, I distract myself. Eat. Do school work. But sometimes when I get _really_ homesick, I call home and just talk to them over the phone for hours on end. There’s nothing I really can do about it, Baekhyunnie, except ignore it completely or really feel it.”

Baekhyun thinks of his situation and Yixing’s—kind of the same problem but with completely different situations and reasons. Yixing misses his country and isn’t used to the Korean culture, Baekhyun misses beaches and suburbs and isn’t that much of a fan of the city at all.

It feels nice to have someone talk about your worries with, except Yixing’s is a different level—being in a foreign country—so Baekhyun feels a bit bad for him and tells himself he is lucky that his hometown is only a few miles away, not a thousand. Still, Yixing has completely adapted to the city and he has no problem with it but Baekhyun still hasn’t adapted to it yet. He’s got a long way to go.

They don’t talk about it anymore. Instead, they chat about video games and Baekhyun’s major and Yixing’s idiot friends until their order comes. The bowl is steaming, the smoke rising up in the air and disappearing, and the colors are pleasing to Baekhyun’s eye. The _ramyeon_ is delicious and he eats up mouthfuls of them. He swallows whole kimbaps and Yixing laughs.

By the time they have finished, Baekhyun has decided Yixing is a cool guy. They stay in the store for a few minutes more before going back to the dorms, walking in sync, laughing at nothing, Baekhyun feeling light and full. As they walk at the sidewalk, Baekhyun thinks of his friends and how much they’d love that place. He thinks, giddy from laughter, of texting Kyungsoo. Later, he will.

When they arrive, Yixing retreats to his bed early after washing up but Baekhyun doesn’t, sitting in front of his desk instead and staring at the book in front of him and the phone sitting beside it.

He grabs his phone and after a few seconds of fingers hovering on the keyboard, types in a new message.

‘ _i went to a great ramyeon place with a friend today’_

_‘maybe i can take you there someday’_

Baekhyun stares at the book they were assigned to read for a class and pretends to read it, skims through the words, even though he’s actually counting the seconds to when Kyungsoo will reply. It’s a task, really, trying to make sense of the words, when the way his fingers are drumming on the table every second and his noisy thoughts on how Kyungsoo might reply and what he might be doing now are distracting enough.

He opens the message immediately when Kyungsoo replies.

‘ _i’d like that’_

_‘you’re paying for everything though’_

Baekhyun laughs, stomach fuzzy. He missed this. ‘ _are u turning into a mooch like chanyeol now?’_

‘ _you were the one who wanted to take me there’_

He decides to give up on the book for now and jumps on his bed, lying down. ‘ _im kidding ofc i will’_ hesends another one, ‘ _then u have to treat me for ice cream after’_

‘ _that’s basically me having to pay you back’_

‘ _nothing in this world is ever free, kyungsoo-yah :-)’_

They talk about Kyungsoo’s day, then everything ridiculous after that. Baekhyun’s stomach is fuzzy. He feels light but suddenly his typing fingers stutter for a bit at the idea that this will be their main platform of communication now and that they are far away from each other.  He listens to the steady _thump-thump-thump_ in his chest. A hundred miles yet Kyungsoo’s presence still pulsate in his veins all the way over here, sending Baekhyun’s mind into overdrive.

He exhales loudly when Kyungsoo sends a cute sticker, stupidly giddy and happy and melancholic and sad and light at the same time, like his mind just can’t pick one emotion for him to feel. He tries to ignore the hundred miles between them for now and tries to imagine they are back in their town, Kyungsoo only a few houses away from him, and that he’d see him tomorrow. 

It sucks really, knowing that what he’s imagining is all in the past now.

Their exchange of messages continue for a bit before Baekhyun feels his eyelids getting heavier. He looks at the clock, finally noticing that it is already late at night. 

‘ _while im sorry for cutting our convo just like this, i gotta go to sleep, kyungsoo.’_ he sends in another one,  _‘ u should too. u have early classes tomorrow’_

‘ _alright, then. good night!’_

_‘night soo~ dream of me? :-)’_

He holds his breath for a few seconds.

‘ _you wish’_

Baekhyun snorts softly, lips turning up to a smile. He can imagine Kyungsoo’s adamant smile from here.  The image paints itself behind his eyelids as he goes to sleep that night. In a strange city Baekhyun is still coping his way through, he’d never thought the closest thing to _home_ he’ll ever get are late night messages and the image of Kyungsoo smiling, all the way over to the next city, all because of Baekhyun.

 

They fall into an easy pattern of in-the-middle-of-class complaints and late night messages and occasional phone calls in weeks. The left side of the sidewalk is still empty from where Kyungsoo used to be, laughing at Baekhyun, jabbing at his jokes, but they make it work. Kyungsoo sends him enough texts about his day for Baekhyun to feel like he’s still here. And Baekhyun calls him enough for them to hear each other’s voice all the time. 

Baekhyun goes out with his friends sometimes, venturing into food shops and bookstores and parks which Baekhyun all commits into memory. He hangs out with Minseok sometimes too, at the café or somewhere in the campus, talking about everything and anything. Yixing teaches him a lot of things: how to cheat that vending machine near the Finance department, how to say a few words in Chinese, how to play the guitar. But most importantly, he teaches Baekhyun how to appreciate the city. It’s not enough for Baekhyun to completely feel at home, not yet, but he’ll get there.

Soon enough, Autumn feels like a new eye-opening chapter in Baekhyun’s life. He breezes through the season and the semester through late night studies with Daehyun, texts of encouragement from Jongdae and Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, colourful post-it notes and messy notebooks. Everything flashes by fast.

Baekhyun still feels sad once in a while, missing the sand beneath his feet, his mother’s cooking, his friends’ annoying pestering, his little town, but college distracts him long enough for him not to delve too deep in his thoughts. There will be time for that in the future.

Baekhyun stares out the streets once, in the middle of November, as he and Kyungsoo talk on the phone, watching kids jump on piles of dead leaves and adults walk with coffees and phones in hand. He tells Kyungsoo maybe he’ll love the city when spring comes with flowers and a new promise.

“I’d understand if you would finally love the city in spring. Sometimes you need some pretty flowers and colourful streets to fall in love," Kyungsoo says through the phone, and Baekhyun hums.

 _To fall in love_.

Baekhyun can’t tell him that they didn’t have pretty flowers and spring air in the summer when he started seeing Kyungsoo in a new light, yet he still started liking him nevertheless. Instead, he jokes about something offhandedly as he stares at a tree across the street, at the last leaf holding on. Kyungsoo laughs through the phone and Baekhyun stares at the leaf quiver, before falling completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna go cry for a month now


	3. winter

A gush of wind picks up in the streets of Seoul, and Baekhyun watches as people walking in the streets collectively adjust their jackets and scarves.

He unconsciously adjusts his too, tucks his thin shirt under his thick jacket more, even though he’s safe from the cold December winds in the confines of the taxi cab he and Baekbeom are riding in. As he looks outside the window, the buildings they pass by are a monochromatic blur, seemingly blending in with the dull season. The blinking lights and neon signages will come to life later in the day, when the city has finally renewed its vigor for nighttime.

Maybe Baekhyun will check out the city tonight, see the veins of the city come to life. Or maybe he’ll choose to lounge in his brother’s apartment the whole time instead. Who knows. Coming here wasn’t really a part of his winter break plans. The minute his brother called him and told him to come to Seoul, his first instinct had been to back out.

Ever since Baekbeom had left for Seoul years ago, they’d drifted apart. Sure, they’re both trying to bring their old relationship back but it’s not that easy. Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do. It wasn’t something he liked to admit but he didn’t like the way his brother had kind of turned into one of the snobbish, city people. Whenever Baekhyun was around them—his relatives, cousins, and aunts who used to visit and look at their town like it wasn’t something to be proud of—Baekhyun always felt like he didn’t belong.

If it weren’t for Baekbeom constantly messaging, and if it weren’t for the quiet voice in his head and silent anticipation and curiosity stirring in his stomach, Baekhyun wouldn’t be here. He and Baekbeom haven’t seen or talked to her in three years, and he would be rude to not go especially when she’s already expecting him.

“We can go to Seosan together the day after tomorrow,” Baekbeom says, turning his phone off, having just talked to their aunt about the time and place tomorrow. “Or do you want to stay here a bit longer?”

“The day after tomorrow sounds good,” Baekhyun mutters, scooting a bit farther from Baekbeom, staring out the window more.

“Well, okay then,” Baekbeom says. “You can meet up with your friends today if you want. Are they still here or have they went home for the winter break already?”

“Chanyeol and Kyungsoo will be going home tomorrow, I think.”

“Invite them over tonight, then. Or ask them to show you around or something.”

“I’ll see,” Baekhyun mumbles. He hasn’t really told them about this—him coming to Seoul. Maybe he’ll break it to them later when Chanyeol asks him when he’ll be coming home? 

“Oh come on now, don’t look so glum.” Baekbeom tries to joke. “It’s just dinner. It’s not as if I asked you to stay here for the whole winter break or something. At least help me out here. Aunt Jeon isn’t that bad.”

Baekhyun snorts. She really _isn’t_ that bad but the thing is, they haven’t seen her in years and the last time they did, she’d pestered Baekbeom about getting a girlfriend. Now, it’s Baekhyun’s turn. He can only wish the restaurant serves good food and plays really good music he can space off to.

“Besides,” Baekbeom says, “she asked for the both of us.”

“She _asked_ about me and you _volunteered_ to bring me with you. That’s different, hyung.”

“Listen.” Baekbeom sighs. “I traveled to Suwon a week ago to take you out for Christmas and cancelled my plans with my friends. Aren’t you at least a bit thankful for that? Won’t you help me out at least this once?”

Baekhyun stays quiet. That day _had_ been a fun day, Baekhyun admits. It felt just like the old times, laughing and joking around and shoving each other playfully. It’s a shame they couldn’t come home but at least he got to spend Christmas with a family member. It almost felt like he had his brother back. That, at least, he’s thankful for.

“I’m here to help you out now, aren’t I?" 

Outside, the edifices continue to pass in a blur but if Baekhyun focuses long enough, he sees the details of each building: grey and sleek ones tall enough to scrape the sky, small businesses with huge signs showcased on low roofs, apartment buildings of different colors. Everything is a variety here.

Four minutes later when he and Baekbeom step out of the cab, in front of a tall building and a sidewalk caked with snow, he exhales out a breath, his breath coming out in small puffs. People continue walking past; the traffic goes on. The city is cold, colder than he imagined it to be, and it’s as if Seoul is welcoming him with the winter wind that touches his skin in an ice-cold kiss.

 

Baekhyun spends the rest of his afternoon on his brother’s green couch, flipping past music shows and afternoon dramas and news channels, digging his toes on the carpet, debating whether to go out tonight or to stay in and eat glass noodles in his pajamas instead. 

Baekbeom allows him to laze around, typing in his laptop, occasionally shooting Baekhyun questions about college as Baekhyun replies monosyllabically. Everything has been well for Baekhyun so far: he has average grades, made new friends, and he goes out with them sometimes. 

He’s learning his way around Suwon, finally deciding that maybe this isn’t so bad, but he still misses his home. Baekhyun will make the most of his time there when he finally comes back, and maybe he’ll buy that fabric softener for him to bring back to his dorm in the spring, bring the scent of home with him.

If he could also bottle up the smell of his mother’s cooking and his father’s distinct scent, similar to an ocean breeze, he would. A reminder that he is a child of the sea.

Everything is sleepy in the afternoon, the sunlight filtering through the windows in a soft watery glow. The sounds from the television are all white noise now against his thoughts. He stretches out his legs and rubs the sleep off his eyes. He has just turned off the television when his phone vibrates on the coffee table. When he opens the message from Chanyeol, he stares at it.

It’s a picture of Chanyeol smiling, flashing a peace sign, with Kyungsoo sitting across the table, looking down at his phone and not at the camera.

‘ _i wanted some samgyeopsal so i dragged him along with me hehe’_

Baekhyun stares at the picture more.

‘ _where are you?’_

_‘some place called Park’s Grill in sinchon. i was just telling kyungsoo that maybe i could trick them into thinking i’m related to the owner so we get free food. he wasn't amused’_

Baekbeom stands up from his desk chair, stretching his arms, walking to the direction of the kitchen. Baekhyun’s mind flashes to the places they passed by earlier, trying to remember if they might have driven past the place or Sinchon at one point.

He thinks of telling Chanyeol he’s in Seoul, only a few miles away from them. Then, he thinks of changing his pajamas into something more appropriate for going out because he’s suddenly itching to. He needs to change into some clean jeans and a sweater.

“Hyung,” he calls out, still staring at his phone.

“Hm?” Baekbeom scratches his right cheek, looking at Baekhyun with a raised eyebrow as he stands in the threshold of the kitchen. His Star Wars shirt their mom gave him is wrinkled and worn-out. Baekhyun doesn’t know why he still wears it after all these years. Then again his mind flashes to the shirt Baekbeom gave him right before he left for Seoul, and how it’s still folded neatly at the top of his closet, and he thinks that maybe Baekbeom is still much like him but he doesn’t show it.

“Do you know a place called uh, Park’s Grill?”

Baekbeom frowns. “Park’s Grill?”

“Yeah, in Sinchon?”

“Sinchon is a big neighborhood, Baekhyunnie. There could be a dozen shops named that.” Baekbeom looks at him. “Why, did your friends ask to meet up there? Sinchon is only two bus stops away from here so if you want to then…”

Baekhyun looks down at his phone. It’s a big city and he might get lost, especially since he doesn’t know his way around yet, but he _really_ wants to go and see his friends. It’s been months. He feels excitement and giddiness tickle in his chest, inflating like a balloon.

He scrolls up and looks at the picture Chanyeol sent again, staring at the crown of Kyungsoo’s head, at the back-to-black strands that was once dark red. Kyungsoo had texted him that once—a month in and he already wants to dye his hair back to black.

Baekhyun, in a spur of the moment brief honesty, had texted back: “ _It doesn’t matter. You look good in any hair color, anyway.”_

Now, he types in his phone, feeling nervous and excited. _‘where in sinchon?’_

‘ _… uh a few blocks from my uni? why do you ask do u plan on coming here lol’_

_‘hyung says sinchon’s quite near here so maybe i might :p but only if you buy that samgyeopsal for me’_

_‘wait what. what do u mean. hyung? ‘here’ ?’_

He stands up and walks to the bathroom, grabbing fresh clothes from his luggage slumped behind the couch. He washes his face and brushes his teeth too, and when he comes out of the bathroom he’s much more awake, pretty much because of the prospect of seeing them again. Baekbeom tilts his head at him and then shrugs, biting on his sandwich.

“You know the way?” he wipes the mayonnaise at the corner of his mouth.

“Chanyeol will tell me how to get there.”

He looks for his wallet in his bag as he looks at the messages from Chanyeol. He half-listens to Baekbeom’s directions on which bus to take and where to stop, fingers scrolling past messages.

‘ _hyung? like… baekbeom hyung?? or’_

_‘what do u mean baekhyun’_

_‘are u perhaps in seoul? ‘Here’ ? You came to visit Baekbeom hyung?’_

_‘wait YOU’RE COMING?? or did i misinterpret. yah don’t fuck with me baek’_

Baekhyun laughs, typing. ‘ _i still don’t know where you are exactly, you know. u need to give me directions’_

‘ _wait you’re actually serious?? send me proof first. Take a pic of Baekbeom hyung’_

Baekhyun discreetly takes a picture of Baekbeom typing away on the desk chair, sending a peace sign his way. He sends it to Chanyeol. He also takes a picture of his luggage.

_‘holy shit ok ok text me when you’re at the bus stop ok. i’ll pick u up. u better not be fucking with me baekhyun. and uh, kyungsoo doesn’t about this?’_

_‘not if you tell him. he’s beside u?’_

_‘he went to the bathroom’_

“I’m going,” he announces, wearing his coat. Baekbeom waves him off, still staring at his laptop, telling him to text when he gets lost or something. He fiddles with his phone the whole time as he walks, his other hand trailing on the railing of the stairs. He debates whether or not to tell Kyungsoo about this and ultimately ends up texting him a grinning sticker instead. If Chanyeol still haven’t told Kyungsoo about this, then he decides he wants to surprise him.

He only looks up from his phone when he has finally arrived outside, adjusting his jacket as he walks to the bus stop. He texts Yixing as he waits, telling him about his unplanned trip to Seoul and asking him to send pictures during his stay in China.

He receives a message from Kyungsoo a few minutes later. ‘ _see you in two days i guess’_

‘ _yep see you very soon :))_ _’_

The corner of his lips lift up to a grin. He tries to tell himself that this isn’t new; it’s not like he’s about to see Kyungsoo for the first time in years and it’s not as if they don’t talk every day. But it doesn’t do anything to calm the light thumping in his chest and the sudden onslaught of random thoughts. He clears his mind and listens to the beating in his chest instead, like he has been learning to for the past few months.

 

“You’re a dick,” is the first thing Chanyeol tells him when he turns the curb and sees Baekhyun looking down at his phone, standing in the bus stop, slightly shivering in the cold. He grins at Chanyeol who’s gaping at him.

“Hey there,” he says, laughing. “Believe me now?”

Chanyeol shakes his head, walking to Baekhyun. “You’re a shit friend, I can’t believe you.” They half-hug with Baekhyun still laughing. Chanyeol punches his shoulder after. Baekhyun yelps.

He rubs his shoulder, slightly glowering at Chanyeol. “Hey, hey, I was gonna tell you guys, okay? Besides, it was sudden. My aunt suddenly asked to meet up with me and my brother. I only found out last night.”

“You could have at least told one of us when you found out. So we could’ve stayed a bit longer and maybe go to Seosan together.”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll see you there anyway.”

“Let’s go, the meat’s already cooking.” Chanyeol points behind him and they walk.

There are plenty of people around too, laughing, walking on the pebbled steps, sandwiched between shops and buildings and restaurants. The place is pretty—buildings painted in various colors, sporting colorful signs and wide windows and flat roofs. There are a dozen clothing stores too with mannequins standing tall behind glass windows, dressed in the latest trend. Maybe Baekhyun can check them out later.

“How long will you be staying here, by the way?”

Baekhyun scratches his cheek. “3 days, I think. We’re meeting up with Aunt Jeon tomorrow, then we’ll go home the day after.”

“See? You should’ve told us so we could’ve stayed a bit longer!" 

“It’s not like we won’t see each other in Seosan, Chanyeol.”

“We could’ve been your personal tour guide in Seoul!”

“Maybe next time.” Baekhyun smiles, and he finds that he means his words. Next time. 

They stop in front of the restaurant, flat roof and cobblestones and brown paint. It’s much warmer inside when they open the door, a bit of the winter air outside rushing in, but then disappearing again in the warm heat of the room. Lights hang low from the ceiling and the smells are a mixture of different foods, wafting under his nose. He hears sizzling grills in every direction and sees smoke rising up to the ceiling in a slow dance. 

Chanyeol points to the cushioned seats on the far end, tucked near the wooden wall and the back kitchen far off, and Baekhyun stutters in his steps when he sees Kyungsoo seated there. He’s still looking down at his phone, his other hand holding the tongs as he waits for the meat to sizzle.

It’s back again, the silly short-circuit in Baekhyun’s mind, the drumming in his chest, and he tries his best to drown it in the loud chatter around him and the smoke-filled noisy corners of the restaurant.

“Are they cooked yet?” Chanyeol asks once they near, and Kyungsoo looks up.

They make eye contact, and Baekhyun watches Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide in shock. Baekhyun can’t stop the corner of his lips from lifting up. They stare at each other, the smoke screening between them, and dissipating again until it’s just their eyes meeting together. He thinks if he stares long enough he’ll see himself mirrored Kyungsoo’s eyes. He notices Kyungsoo’s lips are chapped from the cold.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, giddiness bubbling in his chest, jumping to his throat, and curving his lips to a grin that seems to stretch out in his face.

“What.” Kyungsoo blinks. “What are you—why are you here? What.”

“I’m staying in Seoul for three days. My aunt asked to meet up with me Baekbeom-hyung so,” he explains weakly, “surprise?” He grins again, and tries to stop himself from grinning too much.

Kyungsoo hands the tongs to Chanyeol who sits across from him, and Baekhyun is left to sit beside him. He feels Kyungsoo’s piercing gaze on him as he settles down, fixing the chopsticks in front of him. When he turns to look, Kyungsoo is still looking and he stares back.

“I thought you were going to take a call.” Kyungsoo glares at Chanyeol. “Why didn’t I know about this?”

“You didn’t ask.” Baekhyun grins, and backtracks when Kyungsoo gives him an unamused look. “Kidding, okay. I didn’t tell anyone. I only found out last night.”

“And I only found out 20 minutes ago,” Chanyeol says, turning the meat over, poking it with the tongs.

“And you decided not to tell me because…?” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow.

“Um, surprise?” Chanyeol says, grinning wide, mimicking Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo shakes his head before turning to Baekhyun. “So that’s why.” The corner of his lips twitch for a bit. “‘ _See you very soon’_ my ass.”

Baekhyun laughs. “I was dropping hints!” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. “Hey, hey, I’m here now, aren’t I?”

It might be a trick of the light but Baekhyun thinks he sees Kyungsoo’s eyes soften. His smile, however, is unmistakable. No trick of the light could ever conjure up something that palpable, something that would tingle past Baekhyun’s veins. The emitted warmth in his chest is all too real. “Yeah, you are.”

“You’re leaving tomorrow, right?” Baekhyun keeps his eyes on Kyungsoo’s for a few seconds then looks away, watching the meat cook instead. 

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says. “Tomorrow in the afternoon. So this is the only time we’ll meet here in Seoul. But maybe you can have breakfast with us tomorrow? Send us off or something?”

Baekhyun hums, wrapping the idea around his head. “Maybe. I’ll see.”

They wait and talk, waiting for the meat to turn into a rich brown. Chanyeol talks about Seoul landmarks and his go-to places ‘ _like that guitar store a few blocks away from here’_. Baekhyun talks about Suwon and the things he’ll do when they finally come home to Seosan. Kyungsoo listens to everything, and Baekhyun is hyperaware of the space between them. Their shoes are touching and when Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo while in the middle of retelling a story, he smiles and Kyungsoo looks down to stare at the meat.

“Dig in, kids,” Chanyeol says, when some of the meat finally cooks.

Baekhyun pokes one of the newly-cooked meat, its texture soft and color a rich brown. He grabs it with his chopsticks, pauses for a bit, and then looks at Kyungsoo. Baekhyun blinks for a moment before holding it close to Kyungsoo’s lips. Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. The latter distances his face from the meat for a bit and stares at Baekhyun as if thinking what he’s doing. Then, he takes it in his mouth, still keeping his gaze.

Something in Baekhyun’s stomach clenches. He swallows, throat suddenly dry.

“Jongdae would be so jealous,” Chanyeol says, grinning.

“Oh, right! Jongdae!” Baekhyun says, keeping his voice louder than the beating in his chest. It still feels strange after all this time.

He pulls out his phone a few seconds later. “We should take a picture for him.” He grins, looking at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. He raises his phone and turns on the camera. They each shoot Jongdae peace signs and teasing smiles. Kyungsoo shakes his head when Baekhyun cackles as he sends the picture. He’s still smiling, nevertheless, even when he chews around the meat.

The reply is instantaneous. 

_‘whAT THE FUCK?? WHY ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER’_

_‘WHAT. THIS IS SO UNFAIR.’_

_‘WHY WASN’T I INVITED? WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?’_

_‘YOU BETTER ANSWER WHEN I CALL, BYUN BAEKHYUN.’_

And Jongdae does call, a few seconds later. Baekhyun answers it, still laughing as Jongdae whines through the phone. 

“Why don’t I know about this? This is so unfair!” Jongdae complains loudly. Baekhyun can imagine his slumped shoulders and pissed off face from over here.

“Blame Baekhyun,” Chanyeol pipes in. “This was all so sudden. We only planned this like, an hour ago.”

Jongdae huffs, “Why are you even there? This is so unfair. You guys are there and I’m… here. Already in Seosan.”

“We’ll be seeing each other in three days anyway, so it’s alright.” Baekhyun chews on the piece of meat open-mouthed, his words quite unintelligible. But they’re all used to it. Kyungsoo casts him a furtive glance of disgust, though.

“But it’s different! You’re eating samgyeopsal in Seoul. Without me. Will you be going somewhere else after that?" 

“Kyungsoo and Baekhyun will, probably,” Chanyeol says, and Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows at him. “I just remembered. I’ll be meeting up with my sister at her apartment and have her car checked." 

“Kyungsoo!” Jongdae exclaims loudly. “Hey, I borrowed your bike earlier. Mine is officially broken. I had to go to the convenience store.”

Kyungsoo traces the line of the wooden table with his finger. “Make sure it has no scratches.”

“Flawless as it was.”

They talk to Jongdae for a few more minutes until they have to drop the call because Jongdae has some errands to do. He’s back in his mother’s house and he is still his mother’s child after all.

The night ascends, the evening buzz ascending along as more people file inside. Chanyeol had said that this has recently become a famous place ever since they started promoting their special, and Baekhyun can see that from the sudden influx of people when the watch in his left hand strikes six thirty.

 “What time will you be leaving tomorrow?”

Chanyeol leans back on his chair, chewing on the last piece of meat he stole from Kyungsoo’s plate. Kyungsoo didn’t seem to mind, though, more focused on finishing his soup. “Two in the afternoon,” Chanyeol says. “Yura-noona has some errands to do before lunch. We’re gonna have lunch at her place then drive off. If you want, you can go to noona’s apartment and have lunch with us. I’ll text you the place and Kyungsoo can meet you at the bus stop.”

 “Sounds nice,” Baekhyun says. “Will there be more samgyeopsal?”

 “More galbi, actually. She’s been obsessed with it lately.”

 “You’re seeing us off?” Kyungsoo cuts through, low voice against loud chatters.

 Baekhyun’s eyes darts to Kyungsoo. “Maybe. Do you want me to?”

“Maybe.” Kyungsoo smiles that small smile of his that has Baekhyun’s insides turning, thoughts in his head churning and always, always deciphering what every smile and every word might mean but always ending up more confused and close to no actual conclusions.

“So, you’re paying, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says, grinning. “Since you both surprised us, you’re paying this time.”

“I told you I’d be coming if you buy the samgyeopsal for me, didn’t I?” Baekhyun retorts. “I didn’t come here to get bullied.”

“You did?” Chanyeol pretends to be shocked, covering his mouth with his hand. “I think I didn’t receive any message of that kind. Must’ve been the poor signal.”

“Did you also not receive the message where I say you suck? Because I’m pretty sure I sent that.” He grins at Chanyeol wickedly. “Must’ve been the poor signal.”

“Real funny, Byun.” Chanyeol kicks him under the table. He kicks back.

“Guys, please.” Kyungsoo butts in with an unamused look. “Let’s just all pay for it and leave. Chanyeol, you still have somewhere to go, don’t you?”

“Right,” Chanyeol mutters, whipping out his phone to text his sister. They ask for the check and divide the payment, Chanyeol ending up having to pay a few won more grudgingly after being coaxed by both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. The streets are already glowing with vibrant street lights and neon signs when they walk outside. Baekhyun notices that there are more people at this time.

“I’ll be going first,” Chanyeol says. “See you guys tomorrow. Baekhyun, you’re coming, right?”

“As long as there’s free food, I’m there.” Baekhyun smiles.

Chanyeol chuckles and messes up Baekhyun’s hair. “It’s a waste I won’t be there to show you around but Kyungsoo will gladly do it,” he says, nudging Kyungsoo’s arm. “Don’t stay out late, kids. And wear your jacket, Kyungsoo.”

“Punk, I’m older than you,” Baekhyun grouches. “Say hi to Yura noona for me.”

“Tell her I said hi, too,” Kyungsoo says, wearing his jacket.

“She’d be elated to hear from you, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol laughs. “Anyway, I gotta go now. Have fun!”

They watch Chanyeol jog off to one direction before walking to the other. They walk in silence for a while, maneuvering through the throng of people walking to different places and seeking warmth in various shops or in their own thick jackets, hiding their hands in their pockets. 

Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo’s gloved hand and then suddenly feels a sudden, stupid urge to hold it like they aren’t just casually walking through the streets as two friends hanging out. Like holding hands doesn’t mean anything for Baekhyun now. He clenches his hands to fists and places them in his own jacket pocket, looking at the way their feet are walking in sync instead, watching themselves have the same stride, quiet hearts thrumming and basking in comfortable silence.

“This is one of my favorite places in Seoul,” Kyungsoo suddenly says, and Baekhyun looks up. “When I first came here, I always hung out in either one of the shops or in the park nearby. I was alone but I never felt lonely, except for the couple of times I suddenly felt homesick or remembered you guys. Chanyeol still hasn’t come here at that time so I was alone.”

Baekhyun stays quiet, listening. 

“It’s just… I felt a sense of wonder among the tall buildings and the hundreds of people walking here everyday. Everywhere I looked there would be huge establishments and people and cars. There would always be the sound of traffic and distant laughter and mixed chattering. It was refreshing. I only got used to it two weeks later. But even before then I knew I would have quite the experience here.”

“I would have called that time, Baekhyun, during my first week here,” Kyungsoo continues quietly, almost like a whisper, like Baekhyun wasn’t even supposed to hear it. “But I wasn’t sure if you would have picked up.”

But Baekhyun hears it, loud and clear. Quite a surprising turn the night has swerved into.

And suddenly, something spreads in Baekhyun’s chest, eating and licking at his heart, rapid like wildfire, burning through his veins and arteries. Guilt. Regret. Fear. Suddenly, every feeling and thought he oppressed suddenly spills into him, cold water to the fire, until he’s just cold and feeling horrible and terrible all over. Why’d you have to be such a jerk, Baekhyun? Why’d you cut him off?

His feet feel heavy. When he looks, Kyungsoo is already a few steps ahead of him. He stops when he realizes Baekhyun isn’t walking beside him.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, voice quivering. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it.”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter now,” Kyungsoo says but Baekhyun can see the slight hurt in his eyes. “It’s okay. You called, anyway. It’s…”

Kyungsoo doesn’t continue his words. He exhales, looking forward, shaking his head as if to snap out and shake off the gloom suddenly surrounding them. Baekhyun walks until they’re shoulder to shoulder and they’re walking ahead again. “It’s nothing, really,” Baekhyun tries to explain, still feeling horrible, feeling nervous, but trying to act casual. “It’s stupid. I don’t really know why I did it, too. I was just…”

Upset? Angry? Sad? Afraid? Baekhyun doesn’t know. His thoughts are a mess. Have always been.

“Well, if you don’t want to talk about it, then it’s okay—“

Baekhyun remembers late nights spent thinking about what Kyungsoo might think, overthinking, scared of what he might say and what Kyungsoo might say to him. Confused of his own newfound feelings. Feeling stupid because of being too scared to try out new things. Upset that they’d be away from each other.

“I was afraid that you’d be upset about me not picking Seoul,” he says, then takes a deep breath. Kyungsoo looks confused. “I thought that you’d interrogate me about Suwon and ask me why I didn’t pick Seoul instead. I was confused about my own feelings, okay. I didn’t know what I’d say if somebody asked me." 

“Wait, upset?” Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. “Why do you think I would be upset?”

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun says exasperatedly. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m upset of myself too. Of you guys being away. Maybe because I felt stupid because of my petty, childish thoughts I couldn’t seem to shake off.”

 “But I wasn’t upset, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says, still confused. “Disappointed isn’t the right word for it. A bit saddened, maybe. But I wasn’t upset. It’s your choice, after all. There are a lot of good universities out there and some of them aren’t in Seoul. I didn’t expect you to pick Suwon, though. But I still support your decision.”

“I don’t know why I picked Suwon, either,” Baekhyun mutters. “I didn’t want to leave our town but I knew I had to. My parents wanted me to. Baekbeom-hyung wanted me to. Even _you_ wanted me to. But I wasn’t quite ready, yet. It was either that or Seoul, my brother said. It didn’t really make much of a difference, anyway. Now that I think about it, they’re both quite similar.”

“Why didn’t you pick Seoul?” 

“I… thought I wouldn’t be happy. It felt like betrayal, somehow. When I was a kid I promised myself I wouldn’t become one of those snobbish people from the city that only comes back to visit our town once every few years. Over time, my brother became one of the city people too. I didn’t want to listen to him and end up being a person I didn’t want to become.”

 _I didn’t want you to end up the same. I didn’t want us to drift apart._ The voice sounds childish, it sounds just like his own.

“His actions may have changed but he’s still your brother, isn’t he? He still loves you like his own,” Kyungsoo says. He furrows his eyebrows and bites his lip. He says his next words carefully, slowly, but they feel like a cutting edge to Baekhyun’s thoughts. “I… I don’t know why you think the city is some kind of… machine that make people heartless but that’s not it.” He is firmer this time when he looks at Baekhyun in the eye. “You need to let go of that mindset, Baekhyun. You need to stop being scared of the things that fog up your mind and stop you from doing things.”

“Well I left, didn’t I?” Baekhyun clenches his jaw, suddenly feeling too tired to have this conversation. “I chose to leave. I know I need to let go of it, okay? I’m in the process of accepting things.”

He can’t tell Kyungsoo that it’s not just his irrational aversion to the city that caused him to be upset. He can’t tell Kyungsoo that he was scared that his friends would drift away, that their memories would just be mere memories one day and that he’d be the only one left looking back. He can’t tell that he was afraid Kyungsoo would ask Baekhyun about his choices and stop talking to him once he found out about Baekhyun’s reasons. So he stopped talking to him himself, too caught up in his own thoughts and fears.

Apparently, he couldn’t keep up with it for long. Kyungsoo couldn’t, too. Now, Baekhyun feels entirely stupid.

“Loving the city doesn’t mean loving our town any less, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “Your love for something doesn’t need to limit you from achieving great things.”

“I know, just—“ Baekhyun exhales, now he feels really stupid, “—can we please talk about other things? I know what I need to do and I’m in the process of doing it.”

“I was just saying—“

“I know, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun suddenly snaps, then bites his lip, regretting it. “I’m sorry, okay? But I don’t really… want to talk about my choices for now.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth but then closes it. His gaze hardens and he looks straight ahead instead. “Sure, okay. Whatever you want.”

Around them, the streets are noisy. But everything is quiet between them. Tense.

Baekhyun sighs, closes his eyes, voice softer this time. “Look, I’m really sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to cut you off that time. I’m sorry for being a shit friend. I’m sorry for thinking you’d be upset of me. I’m sorry for being confusing.”

“Don’t apologize,” Kyungsoo says, voice stiff. “But why did my opinions to your choices bother you that much? You know I… I would support you, nevertheless, like Jongdae and Chanyeol did. I know I’ve always been more vocal than the others about wanting to transfer to Seoul but that doesn’t mean I’m forcing you to, Baekhyun.”

Between the lines, Baekhyun hears the quiet question: why was I the only one you cut off? Why do you think I’d be different from Chanyeol and Jongdae?

And for the first time that night, he couldn’t respond. He couldn’t give Kyungsoo the answer without revealing the rest of his thoughts, the reason why he’d overthink, the cause of his giddy playfulness and late night and mid-noon random texts when he’d suddenly miss Kyungsoo, his sudden nervousness.

His feelings.

“I… don’t know why, either.”

And Kyungsoo nods, accepting nothing as an answer and looking ahead. He stays silent as they walk along the cobblestone path along the way, listening to the veins of the city thrum and come to life. When Baekhyun looks down, they’re not walking in sync and Baekhyun tries getting in sync with Kyungsoo, looking at the rhythm of his body, trying to find answers to questions he can’t ask. They go to a nearby food stall and eat some ice cream upon Baekhyun’s request but the air is quiet and tense around them. It’s suffocating. It doesn’t feel like their usual comfortable silence. 

When they turn the curb, he realizes nearby are the gates of Kyungsoo’s university, embossed in front is its name promising grandeur and high quality education. There’s a bus stop not far off, across the street. Kyungsoo turns to Baekhyun with a stiff posture.

“I’ll be going first, then,” Baekhyun says, smile unsure. “Um, good night. See you, I guess.”

“Have a safe trip home,” Kyungsoo says quietly before walking off.

Baekhyun watches him go. Something breaks, in the distance, among the dark alleyways or maybe the busy streets, he isn’t sure. It echoes in his ears and he clenches his jaw as he walks away, clutching his jacket because of the cold.

  

The next morning, Baekhyun wakes up to jalousie-filtered sunrays reflecting on his face. He blinks his sleep-crusted eyes, looking out at the window and seeing the streets already bustling. The sidewalks are already layered with snow and dotted with people walking. Sunlight cuts and reflects through sleek, tall buildings with its wide windows and it causes Baekhyun to squint and blink at the light. 

“Baekhyun?” Baekbeom knocks on the door, peeking his head in. “Baekhyun, hey, do you have any plans today? I was thinking if you could come with me to pick gifts for Eomma and Appa… you know, late Christmas gifts…”

Baekhyun blinks at him blearily, still too sleepy to form coherent words. Across the room, the clock reads 8:00AM.

“Will you come?” Baekbeom continues to prod. He walks inside the bedroom and picks up Baekhyun’s shirt on the ground where Baekhyun left it last night when he changed to another shirt.

He just nods, yawning under his fist. “Okay then,” Baekbeom says, still holding the shirt. “Make sure you’re up before lunch.”

When Baekbeom leaves, he lies back and stays on the bed a bit more, allowing his eyes to flutter close, deeming it too early to start the day even though early morning traffic is already underway and everyone is already awake. When he wakes up again, it’s already 10:09 and he feels groggier than ever.

He gets up from the bed anyway and walks on the cold, tiled floor to the kitchen. Cold water sloshes down his throat as he drinks. Everything seems cold and sleepy in this winter morning, the morning mist fogging up the wide windows.

He takes his time eating, counting the windows from the building across the street, picking apart his clothes to see what to wear, and untangling the strands of his bed hair with shampoo in the shower. When he comes out of the shower, he’s already much more awake but somehow, he still feels… bland.

‘ _hey, you’re coming right? where are you? i texted you the location’_

He stares at Chanyeol’s message as he combs through his hair, holding his phone with his left hand. _Shit_ , he thinks. He’d forgotten about lunch with them but he already made plans with his brother so he can’t back out.

Baekbeom is already dressed, denim and soft wool that he’s gonna cover up with an overcoat later on anyway. He stares at Chanyeol’s message. Suddenly, he is reminded of what happened to him and Kyungsoo last night and his heart drops. His chest clenches, and his thoughts seem to mimic the bleak, cold morning.

‘ _oh I’m sorry, something came up. hyung and I are going somewhere today. sorry, I’ll make it up to you guys’_

Baekhyun and Baekbeom are already in the bus when Chanyeol texts back.

‘ _aw, I thought we were gonna see you again :(_ _’_

_‘but it’s okay. go spend more time with your brother. see you in two days baek. we’ll bring home galbi for you’_

Baekhyun doesn’t respond anymore, and the rest of the day he doesn’t check his phone and keeps it hidden in his pocket. He and Baekbeom walk through busy streets, eating street food and ducking inside shops, looking for warmth and the perfect gift for their parents. They buy weird trinkets and more meat and knitted sweaters. Baekhyun buys things for his own too, and for his friends. Maybe Yixing would appreciate this yellow scented candle promising tropical paradise.

Aunt Jeon comes earlier than expected so they don’t go home and go straight to the meeting place instead when Baekbeom receives her message. It’s a homey, quiet café near the edge of the busy streets. Baekhyun answers Aunt Jeon’s questions in a reserved manner. He tunes in to the conversation for a few minutes before tuning everything out into white noise, focusing instead on the way the singer from the speakers is crooning about unrequited love.

Chanyeol texts him another picture of him and Kyungsoo in the car. Baekhyun stares at the picture under the table, gaze still, and it feels as if Kyungsoo’s staring right through the camera, eyes piercing right at him, making Baekhyun wonder if he was the one who stole Kyungsoo’s smile.

 

Seosan still smells like the sea, and Baekhyun wants to bottle up the scent for him to take back to Suwon.

Four months later, everything still looks exactly like it was where Baekhyun left it: the stack of strawberry ice creams in one of the fridges at the convenience store, his bike in the garage, the things in his room.

The _Ohs_ have a new dog: a small, spoiled pup that Sehun buys expensive treats for all the time. He sees it the first time when he steps foot on the sidewalk and catches a glimpse of Sehun talking to a flash of fur in the front lawn, the second time when he drops by to chat with Sehun on his way to Jongdae’s house.

When he’d arrived in the small city next to Seosan, he messaged Chanyeol, saying that he was already nearby and he’s looking forward to that galbi he promised. He also texted Jongdae and told him that the first thing he wanted to do was have a bonfire at the beach.

Winter bonfires have always been a silly idea, with the wind blowing out the fire one too many times before. It usually ended up with the four of them hanging out in Chanyeol’s house instead, playing video games and talking with their mouths full.

Apparently, Jongdae has already learned from their previous experiences.

‘ _too cold for that, baek. how about a movie or a small campfire in my backyard instead hm’_

So he shrugged and agreed because at least they’re still hanging out anyway. He told Jongdae to relay the plans to the other two.

Seosan is cold but it still feels like home, anyway.

The first thing Baekhyun did when he stepped foot in the house was hug his parents and take a hot bath upstairs. He’d stayed in his house for an hour or two, he and Baekbeom talking to their parents and giving them gifts, before Jongdae texted him that he had just finished his chores and Baekhyun is free to go to house. 

So now they sit on the front porch, stinging cola ciders on their tongue, slightly shivering in the harsh cold Seosan has to offer. Its dimensions may be small for a town but it offers the coldest winter Baekhyun has ever experienced. Not that he has experienced a lot or went to other places that much. Still, the wind has them shivering on the porch, rethinking why they bought soda drinks instead of something hot and thinking what’s taking Chanyeol and Kyungsoo so long.

“Chanyeol says they’ll come back quick, they just have to get a few papers from the school,” Jongdae says, sipping on a can of cola cider. “How was Seoul, by the way? I still can’t get over how you guys went on a food trip without me.” 

“Okay, I guess.” Baekhyun shrugs, trying to act as if nothing much happened. “We went out to eat the night I came but that’s it. I didn’t get to have lunch with them and see them off because the next day, my brother and I had to pick up a few things. I didn’t get to go around with them.”

“Thought you and Kyungsoo were supposed to go around? No? Too full and tired?”

“Yeah. Too tired,” Baekhyun mumbles. He takes a sip of his own cola cider, the taste strong and stinging down his throat. They really should’ve bought a hot beverage instead, like coffee, but he’ll settle with this for now. Besides, now that he’s thinking about it, he doesn’t feel like tasting bitterness at the back of his throat this time.

Jongdae is in the middle of talking about hanging out at the beach with Sehun and Jongin and forcing Jongin to take a dip in the winter sea when Chanyeol and Kyungsoo arrive. Baekhyun freezes at the sight of Kyungsoo but visibly tries to relax and act casual. Jongdae says something, possibly something about picking between hanging out in his room and having a bonfire at his backyard, but Baekhyun isn’t paying much attention.

He’s zeroing in on Kyungsoo’s reserved movements, like he’s restricting himself from interacting with Baekhyun too much but not doing it too obviously that Chanyeol and Jongdae might pick up the tense atmosphere between the them. It makes Baekhyun’s chest clench and he just wants to reach out and smooth out the furrow in Kyungsoo’s eyebrows.

A minute later, they follow Jongdae inside. It seems like the others picked lounging inside and watching a movie instead. Chanyeol and Jongdae talk a bit more with grand gestures, leading the way, chattering as they grab refreshments and snacks at the kitchen. Jongdae’s parents are out for the afternoon and they have the whole house to themselves.

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo lag behind: silent, awkward, tense. The silence is uncomfortable and constricting.

Kyungsoo offers to help with the refreshments and Baekhyun offers to set up the movie. He murmurs a quiet ‘ _excuse me_ ’ to Kyungsoo on the threshold as he walks to the living room. Kyungsoo moves without a word. Baekhyun just wants to do nothing but break the barrier between them that isn’t even supposed to be there in the first place. 

Afternoons in Jongdae’s place, their usual movie marathons, it should’ve been a fun time. But he really can’t focus on anything except for the empty spot next to him where Kyungsoo used to be, laughing quietly, shushing Baekhyun’s side comments during a movie. Once, thirty minutes in, they make eye contact, and he absolutely can’t tell anything from the empty stare Kyungsoo pierces right through him.

He wants to apologize, explain things to Kyungsoo, talk to him again. It’s silly, this thing that suddenly rained down on them. It’s so much like a high school thing to do. It shouldn’t be happening but it is. 

Baekhyun is quite sure that he and Kyungsoo will be talking in a week. Or maybe not. This had happened to him and Jongdae before. To him and Chanyeol. It never lasted more than two weeks. But it never happened to him and Kyungsoo. It had always been them: quiet comfort, explanation that doesn’t require words, it’s always them adjusting for each other. So now, why does Kyungsoo feel so far away when he’s just so near?

It almost feels as though they’re back to being a city away again. There’s the winter fog screening between them, and Baekhyun stumbles through, wondering when it’ll dissipate, grasping for what feels like nothing on the other side.

  

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo end up walking together on the way home that night.

Of course they would. They’re only three houses away, living in the same street named after a fruit Baekhyun has never even tasted his whole life. Street names in subdivisions are weird, and it has always been a running joke between the four of them. Now, Baekhyun can’t laugh about it because the awkward silence surrounding them. 

One of the only three lamplights in their street in front of the Choi’s house isn’t flickering anymore, and he’s glad. It’s been eight months already and it’s about time it got fixed. It’s not as if it’s an inconvenience to Baekhyun, though. He’s been here all his life, knows the slopes and planes of every street like he knows every bump in his body. He’d be able to navigate through in the dark and still reach his home without any difficulties.

Besides, the soft light from stars and the moon are there to guide him. And if he listens long enough too, he’d hear the crashing of the waves. The closer the sound, the closer he is to his home.

So they walk, Baekhyun keeping his hands in his pockets. When they reach the second lamplight, a telltale sign that they’re reaching close to Kyungsoo’s home, he dares to look over to Kyungsoo. He’s as quiet as ever, mimicking the silent winter night.

Baekhyun wants to reach out.

So he does, in the only way he knows best.

“I didn’t even get to see your red hair for long,” he says, voice loud and clear despite the storm in his chest. Kyungsoo looks surprised and he regains his composure a few seconds later, shrugging. “At least you got to see it first,” he murmurs after a bit of silence.

_At least you talked._

“What did people say about it?”

“Not much,” Kyungsoo says. “I didn’t exactly ask for their opinion, so.”

“Aw, bummer.” Baekhyun pretends to slump his shoulders. “I thought I did good with that dye job.” He licks his lips, suddenly nervous to say his next words. “You looked good, though.”

Kyungsoo keeps quiet, and Baekhyun’s heart drops. It’s okay. This is normal. Kyungsoo just likes keeping quiet. It’s okay, don’t be stupid, Baekhyun.

They walk for a bit more until he sees the familiar tree in front of Kyungsoo’s house. Taller, sturdier as the years pass. It’s barren with leaves, a bit snow layered on the branches, and he thinks it’s a waste he won’t be there to see it grow back its leaves again. It will still be there, though, majestic as ever, waiting for no one to watch its growth.

“I’ll be going first,” Kyungsoo says, small steps on the porch. Baekhyun watches, doesn’t turn his back quiet yet. Kyungsoo’s hand stutters on the doorknob, and he turns to Baekhyun again at the last minute. Baekhyun’s heart flutters, hopeful.

“You did good, by the way.” Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip. “With the dye job.” 

And then he opens the door and goes inside, leaving Baekhyun outside. Baekhyun is left staring at nothing, breath knocked out of his lungs, listening to the silence of the night. When he strains his ears hard enough, he hears the waves from afar. He inhales, exhales. He turns his back and walks homeward, letting the sound of the waves and the stars lead him home and tell his distracted mind what to do.

 

Baekhyun does it slowly, approaches Kyungsoo and talks to him with small, measured steps. During the first few times, Kyungsoo always looks like he doesn’t know what to do but he responds anyway.

Baekhyun continues doing it until curt answers turn to a few sentences. Until stoic faces break into small smiles. Until they learn to move around each other once more and stop treating each other as if eleven years of friendship and laughter and tears is just that easy to throw away.

He thinks Chanyeol and Jongdae might have noticed at one point, or maybe even more than once, but they don’t say anything about it. And Baekhyun is really thankful for that. He’s much better at working around things on his own with his own way and his own pace.

The first time he sees Kyungsoo’s smile is directed at him, at something he said, almost a week later, Baekhyun’s heart leaps to his throat. He runs on that little rush of adrenaline and hope and maybe something more that night and the following days after. He missed the way Kyungsoo’s lips curled up and the way his eyes glowed when he smiled, and he didn’t even know he did until Kyungsoo looked at him with that familiar small grin. Baekhyun has grown used to it, after all.

He won’t allow the harsh winter to steal the warmth away from him, he decides.

 

The bonfire does happen, some time in the middle of January, and they invite Sehun and Jongin along. 

Or at least that’s what they think they did. Inviting Sehun and Jongin along equated to bringing a few more people: Kang Seulgi who is graduating this year, Junmyeon-hyung who also just came back for the winter break, his girlfriend, Joohyun-noona, Jung Soojung from advanced Calculus, Seo Joohyun-noona, and some new kid named Taeyong.

Baekhyun isn’t complaining, though. He missed seeing familiar faces and most of these people he used to see on a daily basis: at the convenience store, the beach, the small church in the outskirts of town, Aunt Seo’s annual barbeque party which Baekhyun still doesn’t remember the beginnings of. Some of them also brought along food and Baekhyun would lie if he said he didn’t miss some of Aunt Seo’s cooking which Joohyun-noona brought along.

They build up a huge bonfire in the middle of the beach, adding in more and more wood, until the orange flames reflects on each of their faces and roar loud against the crashing of the waves. Everywhere Baekhyun turns, he can hear laughter and familiar voices. Chanyeol is jamming with his guitar along with the few others in one side. The kids brought along marshmallows to roast. Sehun and Jongin are in the middle of it all, arms thrown around each other’s shoulders, laughing in front of the crackling fire.

For once, Baekhyun feels familiar warmth blaze in his chest again. In his right ear he can hear the waves licking the sand, crashing on the rocks not too far off. There might be a few alcoholic drinks tonight, brought by God knows who, and Baekhyun is quite sure it’s a can of soju he picked up and sipped on earlier. It doesn’t matter. He knows he’ll be safe among the others even if he passed out in the sand tonight. 

In the middle of listening to Jongdae and Seulgi talk about something Baekhyun doesn’t understand, he spots Kyungsoo talking to Junmyeon-hyung far off. He keeps his eyes on Kyungsoo, out of habit, instead of paying attention to Jongdae and Seulgi’s conversation. A few minutes later, maybe five or six, Junmyeon pats Kyungsoo’s shoulder and goes to join Joohyun roast marshmallows on the side.

He murmurs something to Jongdae, a lame excuse, and they don’t even look up as he stands up from his spot and walks to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo just stares at him as he sits down and offers him a smile.

“Having fun?” he asks, resting his elbows on his knees, looking at the crackling fire.

“I guess,” Kyungsoo says. “It’s been months since I saw these faces. It feels good being around them once again.”

Baekhyun hums. “Yeah. I missed them and this beach. I heard this has become Sehun and Jongin’s property ever since we left. They’re following our footsteps.”

Kyungsoo snorts, smiling a bit. “Let them be. They’ll miss this when they leave.”

A hush of silence falls around them. They listen to the others talk and their feet tap along to Chanyeol’s song at one point. _They’ll miss this when they leave_. Did Kyungsoo ever regret leaving? Did he ever feel like he wanted to come back? Does he think of their lost memories constantly?

Once again, it feels like he’s asking himself.

He asks Kyungsoo one of the questions, trying to find his answers in one of Kyungsoo’s own.

“Did you ever feel like you wanted to come back, Kyungsoo?”

“Of course.” Kyungsoo’s voice is quiet, firm. “Many times. But that doesn’t mean I regret leaving, Baekhyun.” He exhales. “That also doesn’t mean I ever regret living in this town or I regret all the memories I made in it.”

Kyungsoo purses his lips, speaks again. “Even if I preferred living in the city, it doesn’t make me any less of the person you know, Baekhyun. Sometimes, we just have to move forward.” 

“I know, Kyungsoo, I know,” Baekhyun whispers. “I just miss you guys sometimes but…” he takes a deep breath, “I’ll get there. I guess I just overthought about your opinions because…” 

He peters off, realizing where this is going. The fire roars even more, the waves crashing louder. The chattering around them turns more deafening. Everything is loud, echoing the thoughts in his mind and the wild, nervous drumming in his chest. He can’t say it, not yet. Not when they’re back to talking again. 

“Because?” Kyungsoo looks at him, waiting for an answer Baekhyun isn’t sure he would like to hear. Kyungsoo’s eyes mirror the orange flame, and soon their eyes are twin fire signs facing each other, trying to tell each other the things they can’t. Baekhyun’s throat feels clammy. His fingers are shaking. He can only hope Kyungsoo feels the same.

“Guys, come join us for the last song!” Chanyeol’s loud voice echoes throughout the whole beach, and Baekhyun snaps himself out of it. Jongdae waves to them and points to Chanyeol, mouthing at them to come. He and Kyungsoo look at each other one more time and as if hesitant, slowly walk to Chanyeol’s spot. 

The first chords play, and Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is staring back, from across the light of the crackling fire and the rhythm of the night.

 

“Why do you even think we’d get a discount? I don’t own this place, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says, looking at the variety of drinks in the fridges, holding a bar of chocolate in his hand. Baekhyun trudges behind him, sneakers squeaking against the marbled floor.

“You worked here for three years, Kyungsoo!” he says, gesturing at the whole place grandly. “Surely you’d get even a tiny bit of discount for spending three summers here. I mean, let’s be real, you and that zombie guy were the only ones patient enough to stay.”

“Keep your voice low, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo murmurs, looking around for an audience. So far there aren’t any. The cashier has disappeared at the back for a bit and Baekhyun knows that workers shouldn’t leave a shop without anyone watching even for just a few seconds but this place is shit anyway. Baekhyun could shoplift maybe a packet of biscuits or two and they wouldn’t notice.

“Also, the manager of this place is different now,” Kyungsoo says. “Besides, it doesn’t matter. _I’d_ be the only one getting a discount, not you." 

Baekhyun fake gasps. “No favorite slash frequent customer discount? None? Damn, this place is selfish.”

Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows. “Whose favorite? None.”

Baekhyun jumps for it, takes the plunge. His heart hammers in his chest as he speaks. “Not even yours?” he says, voice low.

It must be all in Baekhyun’s mind but he thinks he might have seen Kyungsoo’s cheeks flush. His hair is unruffled a bit. The pads of his face are glowing because of the light or maybe because of _something_. This all looks familiar. The collar of Kyungsoo’s shirt is popping out again, and slowly, Baekhyun reaches out to touch it and keeps his eyes on Kyungsoo as he does.

Baekhyun stares back, not speaking, throat dry, heart loud. There’s something about the familiarity of this place that gives Baekhyun a weird feeling, a flashback to when he first started seeing Kyungsoo in a new light, or was that when he was dyeing Kyungsoo’s hair in his backyard? He isn’t sure. With Kyungsoo, time feels like a trick. Something unreal.

He read about liminal places once during a late night study in Suwon. A space with no fixed purpose. A place floating in the in-between. Where time feels distorted. Rest stops. Empty parking lots. Abandoned lighthouses. When you think too long about them, it said, it becomes weird. Reality becomes altered because you’re not supposed to think too long about its existence. You’re not supposed to think of it as the _something_ between the to and from. You’re not supposed to think of the in-between spaces.

Baekhyun feels exactly just like that when he’s around Kyungsoo. Like he’s not supposed to think about the way Kyungsoo’s eyes crinkle when he smiles or the way he stares at Baekhyun back like it’s a challenge. He’s not supposed to think about the way Kyungsoo moves or talks or present himself.  He’s not supposed to think about what they are and what they might be. But he is, he _does_ think about it all the time. Time feels weird around him, like they’re always bordering close to uncertainty and Baekhyun… Baekhyun doesn’t want that.

He wants something sure, something firm, on solid ground. Something that doesn’t feel like an in-between because the one thing he doesn’t like is being unsure and doubting. He doesn’t like being uncertain. 

So, in the spur of the moment, he does it, jumps back to the ground, plunges in the water, crosses the space between them, and kisses Kyungsoo.

It’s something entirely new, something that invigorates his mind and his senses, echoes in his mind until he can’t think and the only thing his thoughts are chanting is Kyungsoo’s name. Kyungsoo catches his sleeve, keeps it between his fingers and slowly, kisses back.

And it’s the best thing Baekhyun has ever felt.

The glass on the fridge door is cold, too cold, under Baekhyun’s fingers from where his hand is encasing Kyungsoo’s body. He tilts his head a bit until their lips are slanting together, moving against each other, following the rhythm of his chest Baekhyun is _sure_ Kyungsoo is feeling too.

When they pull back, it’s Kyungsoo who does it first. He blinks, looking alarmed, looking around for people. Baekhyun is blinking rapidly too, mind just registering what happened and chest racing again.

When they look, the cashier has just entered from the back room and is squinting at a product in his hand. Baekhyun takes a step back from Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo doesn’t meet his eyes, ears red as he murmurs that he needs to pay for his things. His hair is a mess. His lips are slick, wet. Baekhyun licks his own and stares at the floor instead. He remembers they didn’t even get to grab a drink.

He opens the fridge door and grabs two boxes of strawberry milk. He walks to the counter and meets Kyungsoo’s eyes as the cashier furrows his eyebrows at them before swiping Baekhyun’s things along with Kyungsoo’s too. They both pay for their things and walk outside, once again facing the sinking sun at the horizon, the sky an unfinished canvas of orange and pink and blue grey, a backsplash of the prettiest colors Baekhyun has ever seen. A rare image of a winter sunset.

“Will this ever happen again when we come back to the city?” 

Kyungsoo doesn’t have the answer to that.

  

This is how winter ends: snow melting from the trees and the sidewalk, layers of clothes lessening and lessening as the weeks pass, them getting a haircut, except for Jongdae, because their hair have grown too long over the winter break and Jongdae wants to keep his long. The sun starts shining a bit brighter and Baekhyun hears the birds singing outside his window once again.

They leave town the last week of January, squeezing against each other at the back of the Parks’ family car. Their knees press against each other and it’s quite uncomfortable, pressed against the cushioned seats but it’s okay. At least they’re all together, with Jongdae who wants to drop by Seoul for a while before proceeding to Gyeonggi.

Baekhyun feels Kyungsoo’s knees press against his, but he looks ahead, tries to act normal. Tries to act casual. Like three days ago he didn’t have Kyungsoo pressed up against the fridge door in their convenience store. Like they didn’t kiss that one winter afternoon. They never talked about it then, a day after, two days after, even until now, but Baekhyun can feel Kyungsoo’s eyes on him against the back of his head sometimes. He can feel the words lingering between them.

He doesn’t know what hurts more: being able to convey his feelings through that one kiss—if it ever did—and not getting a proper response, or not being able to talk about the thing that happened between them.

But he sucks it up. They sit at the back of the car, belting out songs in empty highways with Yura shushing them once in a while, sipping on juice boxes, and making the most of their time together before they have to lead their own lives once again. They’ll be together for a few hours before they have to leave once again.

Suwon welcomes him with a familiar breath of air. His chest clenches, and he doesn’t know why. He stares at the car driving away once again, wondering why it’s always him who gets to watch people leave, and swallowing the lump in his throat.

This is how winter ends: figuring out feelings but never being sure about them. Allowing themselves to make mistakes over and over again.

He wouldn’t let winter take away the warmth from him, he had decided. But now he’s wondering if he was the one who took away the warmth of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry :< dont kill me. yet. btw they live in palbong-myeon, seosan-si, chungcheongnam-do. idk i feel like i just want to share that detail. palbong-myeon is too long so i only mention seosan in the fic

**Author's Note:**

> im either finishing this fic in a week or in a month or in several months. who knows.
> 
> hit me up at tumblr @ unaerth if u want to talk


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